A couple of weeks ago, Andrew and I overheard, just before the race began, an announcer for a kids’ triathlon say, through his megaphone, “Everyone’s a winner, just for showing up!” I cringed. Yes, those kids were awesome for showing up and should be proud of themselves. Yes, most of them probably worked really hard training and woke up early and showed motivation to be athletic and active and competitive. But in this case, the winner was the kid who swam, biked, and ran the fastest. The winner was the kid who crossed the finish line first.
While I certainly believe that winning isn’t everything*, I also feel that it is important for kids to understand the concept of it, to feel the joy and pride that comes from winning at something at which they have worked hard and persisted. And to feel disappointment every once in a while when they don’t. I am probably the furthest thing from a “tiger mom,” pushing her kids to excel and win and study and be the best always the best. And yet, I recognize that in some circumstances, my children will be competing against others, and there will inevitably be a winner. I want my children to feel the sting of defeat just as much as I want them to feel the joy of triumph. I also want them to learn how to lose gracefully, show good sportsmanship, pick themselves back up, persist, and persevere. And I don’t think they should receive awards, trophies, or consolation prizes when they lose. Our children can and should handle disappointment as a simple rite of being human.
I recently wrote an article about it here. How do you feel about the debate? Should every child be told he/she is a winner just for showing up?
*I also realized, too late, that I conveyed that I thought 2nd or 3rd place was somehow “losing,” which of course I didn’t intend. Of course children should be proud of themselves for placing, or for trying their hardest… of course they should be having fun, of course they learn tons of things from competing or just playing sports. End rant.
I think the announcer (and others) might say that because most of us are so competitive. Perhaps it’s in hopes to ease the sting of losing…and is honest in that it is better to try than not enter the race at all. No matter how hard some kids work to train for a triathlon, they are never going to ‘win.’ As a parent I wouldn’t tell my child he was the best, but I would say it looked like he worked really hard…or if they didn’t train, etc… that with some work they could do better next time. It’s interesting to think about, but this particular verbiage doesn’t bother me.
This is great, and something we’ve been discussing a lot lately in our family. My one small critique, which doesn’t necessarily go against what you’re saying at all, is that I do personally feel track and field events, especially at such a young age, are often about doing one’s personal best. Yes, I totally agree the person over the loud speaker was utilizing an over-used and abused sentiment in youth sports by saying “everyone’s a winner.” By the same notion, many a triathlete or marathon runner, even adults, participate in “races” purely out of the desire to see if they can do it, and to see if they can do better than they did last time. So yes, there absolutely is a winner and a loser, but many a race participant (and I can attest to this, back when I was a runner and ran half marathons) truly does feel euphoric and like a winner when they cross the finish line, even if they are last. Every time I crossed a finish line, I did feel like I won something, personally. I don’t think the kids all need trophies (we opted out of them for our oldest’s soccer season last year, when it was an option to get them), but I’d personally forgive the parent for saying “everyone’s a winner” in this instance, when it was connected to a sport that is, especially at this young age, about physical fitness, health, and crossing the finish line whenever they cross it, and largely different in nature than sports games where there is a clear cut winning team and losing team. Perhaps I’m being nitty gritty, for as I said, I largely agree with you.
My eight-year-old son has recently fallen in love with hockey, much to our surprise. He’s played on his school’s low-key soccer team for several years, and we were really worried about branching out to sports where things might get a lot more cut-throat and demanding. He’s going through try-outs right now. During this time, as he sees kids at all different skill levels (and some of them are insanely, frighteningly good) and other times when he was frustrated at not making as many goals as other kids on his soccer team, etc…we talk about not getting hung up on winning and losing per se, yet someone/team, inevitably has to win, and lose. And that losing can be an amazing, necessary lesson, if we allow ourselves to accept it and learn from it. It can make a person stronger, for the person who is determined to keep trying and improving in the aftermath of losing, instead of giving up, grows stronger. We’ve talked of Lincoln, and even J. K. Rowling (he’s a Potter fan like your boy). What if they’d given up after losing, or being rejected, so many times? And most recently, I read “You’re on Your Way, Teddy Roosevelt,” to my kids, and it resonated most with my son. There is definitely power in losing, but trying again. And losing again. But trying again, etc…
Which begs the question–if a child is given a trophy after every event and told they are amazing and a winner all the time, will they push harder to do better? And kids are smart, and readily able to tell when they deserve a medal or trophy, or not. Winning something when it’s not earned, I agree, is overall not a healthy practice. So again, thank you for this. It’s good to know parents are having these conversations with their kids, especially in this day and age of Everyone’s a Winner vs. Early Specialized Mini Athletes Designed to Dominate.
I really like what Eileen said. That the context is important. It is highly valuable for a person to be able to be happy with themselves and their own personal best. I really don’t care if my son is the best at anything; I just want him to do HIS best. I think that’s what “everyone is a winner” is getting at, but it’s too simplified and so is misinterpreted. You’re a winner within yourself; you’re not necessarily a winner when compared to other people. They are different orientations and perspectives (one is inward-looking, one is outward-looking).
I am not a fan of the term “self-esteem.” I read a book awhile back that really resonated with me. It was based on psychological research regarding self-esteem and found that having high self-esteem didn’t correlate with any other positive characteristics. Often people with high self esteem are not very ethical people. You don’t necessarily want your child to have high self-esteem. What you want them to have is self-compassion. That is, the ability to recognize their inner struggles to have compassion for themselves and their shortcomings. I think this is what you’re getting at as well when you talk about good sportsmanship and feeling the sting of defeat. But I do believe self-compassion is a better term, and really it’s an altogether different concept.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/
Confidence is also a better term than self-esteem, in my assessment. This comes from being an educator. At least 1/2 of what I do with students has nothing to do with content. It should probably be closer to 3/4, but I’m still working on it and also am in higher ed. 😉 I know that if my students are not confident, they will not be able to perform at their best. It is very important that I establish a good rapport and relationship with my students, that I give them the confidence to believe in themselves – only then will they be able to master the content and the skills I am asking of them. This is even more true with young ones, but it is also true with 20-year-olds.
Finally, age-appropriateness. A teenager certainly will likely be able to more or less manage losing in a sportsmanlike way, but younger children reach that ability at drastically different ages due to its dependence on the emotional maturity of the individual. Now I am writing as the mom of a very emotionally immature 6-year-old, who always has been that way, who is that way because it is in his genetics and is not related to how he was parented. At 7 months old, he would WAIL if we VERY GENTLY in the NICEST voice asked him, “Not in your mouth, please.” He is still hit extremely hard by disappointment. He has many, many chances for disappointment still, because, ya know, life. But given that, he is not ready for competitive sports. He has the unfortunate combination of having his mother’s perfectionism and his father’s lack of dexterity, which makes it very difficult to live up to his own self-imposed standards, thereby eroding his confidence. So we are still in the “isn’t this fun to all play this game together? You worked so hard” phase. All of this with the goal of building his confidence that it will be OK even if he loses, building his understanding that the enjoyment is in the doing, not (necessarily) in the winning (but that is fun too of course).
So I think all of that is why announcers declare “everyone is a winner!” But it is a drastically reductionist, bumper-sticker version of all of the above. To convey the same idea, I would suggest that “you must be proud of yourself” is a much better alternative.
Thank you for the thoughtful reflections via your blog, as always! 🙂
I agree that there is an overabundance of “participation” awards at events for kids – although it does remind me of a funny story. We let F pick out prizes to hand out at her fifth birthday party at a teacher school supply store and thought she’d pick out pencils or stickers, but instead she chose green award ribbons. They said “Participant” on them, and we let her get them because we thought they were hilarious. (And strangely appropriate for birthday games – they should be all in good fun and not cutthroat competitions.)
But I have to agree with Eileen that the announcer’s comments wouldn’t have bothered me so much, outside of the cheesy factor. Races are hard, require tons of preparation, and are great ways to challenge yourself to be active and meet or beat personal goals. I think events like that build community rather than a winner-takes-all mentality, unless you are in the tiny percentage of elite athletes with any chance of winning. (Well, maybe winning a neighborhood children’s triathlon is a bit easier than say, the Boston Marathon.)
I think most kids get it – when they’ve really won (gotten first place), or when they’ve been congratulated for simply “doing their best” or “showing up”. E’s gotten a handful of participation trophies over the year that sit in the bottom of a drawer until I pitch them in the trash, but the certificate for the big award she received at the regional science fair (with an accompanying big fat check) is displayed proudly on her wall. Girl earned that prize. She took an A+ project in her school, completely edited and revised her data / graphics for the big competition, and was rewarded mightily for her effort.
I think as long as we allow our children to understand and feel failure – like when they forget a homework assignment or fail to adequately prepare for an exam that they bomb – that they will understand the link between preparing for an event or challenge usually does correlate with their performance and personal assessment of how they did. Maybe some parents try to prevent their children from experiencing this – and that is what has led to the over-congratulatory nature of competitions today. But I do think that the majority of things that we do in life are more collaborative than competitive in nature, so while I don’t think children need (or desire) constant high-five’s for every single movement, I would hesitate to scoff at the participants of any sport, particularly races.
It’s a def. a balancing act, and different with each kid. My youngest is far more competitive, and also much more likely to quit when winning seems unlikely. So we’re working more on the participation aspect of things right now, and the risk-taking part, regardless of the final outcome.
Interesting, topic, as always.
Great article Lauren! Could not agree with you more. xo
I completely agree with this. It’s awesome to participate and give it your best. But not everyone wins. And that’s an unfortunate fact of life that we’re all better off learning early, so we learn to understand disappointment and handling those feelings, while also feeling proud for trying and doing our personal best.
My husband, as a college professor, sees this all the time in students. They’re entitled and lazy and think they should be heartily congratulated for mediocrity. Not all of them, but enough that I hear stories of lazy students, and angry parents who call demanding to know why their babies didn’t graduate (when their babies didn’t show up to class and do the work).
I don’t know how I feel about this topic. I feel like winning is overemphasized in our society when really cooperation and teamwork should be more valued. I think young children running a race should be for fun and why should it be bothersome to say “everyone is a winner”? My mother is from Finland, in the educational system there are no “winners” but the top students help the students with difficulty and work together. I would rather a child stop and help someone struggling in a race than win it, personally. And I don’t agree that teaching that there is ONLY one winner is important- people “win” in all sorts of ways and have all types of different abilities. I also think there can be a lot of ableism and privilege in winning, but that’s a whole long tangent I won’t go into. Interesting topic to discuss though!
All very interesting! This is a topic I haven’t yet thought much about, probably because W is still a bit young and I’m not a sports enthusiast. It does seem important that kids understand how to lose with grace, and the real joy of winning fair and square. I have to confess that as competitive as I am, I do have a bit of, “you’re all winners” in me when it comes to kids and athletics. They’re just all so little and all trying so hard! I guess I better toughen up before we hit kindergarten 😉