We all want our children to be happy…
I recently read an inspiring book, Teaching Happiness and Innovation, by Mike Ferry, that focuses on ways we can teach our children to be more grateful, inspire creativity, and in turn, be happier. It’s a quick read and totally worth your while. I love the idea that we can practice happiness as a skill and improve upon it through practice just like any other skill. It’s definitely gotten the wheels turning in how I parent our boys.
Read the full article here.
Have a wonderful weekend!
I’m not sure I agree with happiness as a goal, with the practice of certain habits in service of reaching that goal. For me, the goal is instilling the virtues such as kindness, persistence, etc. to the extent that you have raised a little person who is capable of finding happiness in a life well-lived. I think of happiness as more the residual effect of living a life led according to virtues. And actually it seems that living in accordance to principles can be challenging and often very much against what may make us “happy.”
I recently saw this book on a resource list and I thought the title was interesting (and a little strange). Maybe it was the combination of happiness + innovation that seemed curious, or the idea of teaching happiness. “Happy” is sort of a loaded word for me. I like it paired with “Birthday”, but I catch myself not dwelling on it as a goal. That might be a leftover from various battles with debilitating post partum depression and feeling like if I could just feel happiness again everything would be alright. It’s taken a long time, and I’m not perfect at it, but what I feel like I work at the most now – and what I try to help teach my girls – is being content in the choices of my day, even the ones that are sometimes chosen by others. I’m learning to recognize that feeling of contentment when it washes over me, and sometimes that makes me happy, but mostly it just fills me with gratitude and peace. And sometimes it’s honestly just relief.
So I guess I’m saying that I agree with a lot of what you (and the writers) talk about the practice. Maybe I’m just hung up on the idea of labeling the end product happiness as a goal, because falling short of that can be really difficult to navigate, even with children. My kids are often not happy about various circumstances or rules of the game. It’s an interesting process – helping kids find all those other feelings in between happiness (which can sometimes even be manic), and the polar opposite – devastation, in its loudest, whiniest, most maddening form!
I always enjoy the conversation here with my morning coffee. Some of this ties in nicely with a kids’ book post I’m currently working on.
Esther, I believe there is research that shows that engaging in acts of kindness actually plays a great role in making one happier. So I guess I have to respectfully disagree; while I teach my boys that sadness and disappointment are a part of life and that they are rich and genuine feelings worthy of notice, I also teach them that it’s immensely important not to focus on those feelings and allow them to take over and become a habit of negative thinking. The article is very much about gratitude and the practice of noticing people, acts, and wonder in the everyday that bring us joy.
Kristin, I think I understand what you’re saying, but maybe I am confusing gratitude and peace with happiness? Is there a difference? And again, I agree that we need to allow our children to feel all the feelings. They are all valid and human, and thus incredibly important to recognize and name them as they are experiencing them. But a lot of happiness to me means being able to feel those feelings and embrace them, and ultimately being content and gracious. Gratitude, I feel, takes practice, and I think it’s important to teach that to our children, just as we might teach a child how to deep breathe or take a quiet break in his/her room when needing to calm down.
I’m really in agreement with everything that you write – I think you’re spot on. I think my only hesitation is in the title of the book – and other similar books – that talk about teaching happiness. It just seems a strange choice of words to me, because it seems like it’s a feeling, not an action or a practice. Maybe it’s a simplistic way of looking at it, but if I substitute other feelings like teaching sadness, and it also seems weird. I absolutely think you can teach (or practice) gratitude or compassion – it’s easy to think of actionable ways to stretch yourself (and your children) with these practices. Happiness might come as a result of this, but not always, and that’s okay.
Maybe it’s just a naming thing, and maybe it’s just my own hangup with the notion of being happy. I think it’s great to recognize it when it arrives, but I also don’t want to feel like if it’s escaping me for awhile (like it’s done in the past), that it’s not because I didn’t try hard enough or I’m failing at recognizing it, or I wasn’t taught properly. It could just be that I have a very narrow definition of happiness. I know I can feel content or peaceful in moments that I wouldn’t necessarily describe as happy. Probably going too deep into it on a Friday morning, but it’s such an interesting thing to ponder.
I’m also pondering having another one of those espresso / tonic drinks at Blueprint down the street, so there’s that. 😉 Thanks for introducing me to my latest obsession…
Have a wonderful weekend.
That makes sense, Kristin. I think maybe it is a wording thing. Perhaps “Practicing Gratitude” would be a better title?
And yes, do visit Blueprint again! I love that place!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend too.
It’s hard to disagree with these ideas, but maybe it’s the method, or the seemingly over-zealous practice of instilling certain habits that eventually aid in intentional pursuit of the “feel-good” that just makes me feel a little uneasy.
This also made me think of the research on power-posing and the famous Ted talk about it.
Food for thought, for sure!
Really! I’m so surprised by your reactions to this! I saw it only as a few good ideas in practicing gratitude and teaching our kids to be grateful and aware of the good things in life. What’s over-zealous? Is it the suggestion to talk about what you’re grateful for at the dinner table each night? Or talking about influential, conscientious historical figures? I get that feeling about self-help books — they are definitely not my bag. But I didn’t get that feeling from this book or these ideas. Sorry to put you off!
I definitely didn’t realize this was such a controversial issue. 🙂
I’m sorry, I did not mean for my comment to be inflammatory! I don’t disagree with what you wrote, and we (as a completely nonreligious family) actually do try to do the gratitude thing at our dinner table!
I was not referring to you as over-zealous, I think it came off wrong (sorry). I think it’s the feeling I get from these books and suggestions that we should be putting a lot of resources toward striving for happiness, toward practicing and pursuing this thing. I know that happiness can’t always be spontaneous, and that it’s important to make a conscious decision to be happy sometimes.
You know, it’s not a controversial issue. Maybe it’s just something that doesn’t have a fully satisfactory prescription, and maybe that’s why it’s hard to be like “yeah! I’m on-board 100%!”. I really did not mean to offend.
No, I get it, I think. What you wrote makes a lot of sense and is making me think as well! I’m just genuinely surprised, that’s all! I read it in a totally different way. My thinking was, yes, we need to be more conscious of gratitude in our everyday lives, and simply talking to our kids about their mindset at any given time is one way of doing so. I think it’s easy to just assume that kids are “looking at the bright side,” when for many, that may not be the case. And I know that for me, my mood can be highly dependent upon those around me. I think practicing things like gratitude and empathy and open-mindedness can be as simple as talking about them with our kids. But a prescription? Of course not. I get it.
As always, enjoying the different perspectives here. Thanks, Veronika.
Such an interesting article, and discussion here. I agree that there are operative techniques to realize a better mindset, or happiness, or whatever you want to call it. There may not be a specific recipe that works for all people (and certainly if there are chemical factors, such as the post-partem depression mentioned in a previous comment, it might feel like oversimplification). For myself and my children, I have noticed that being mindful of practicing daily gratitude and kindness does lead to better sprite, as you noted.
The creativity part makes me wonder! Some of the most creative people I know sprung from unkind environments… Not sure if they would have been even more creative with nurturing, or if creativity is actually a coping mechanism to survive in unhappy conditions.
Thx Lauren!
*spirits not sprite 😉