Over our boys’ spring break, they re-watched the movie Up, an animated Disney movie that follows a “wilderness explorer” and a feisty 78-year-old balloon salesman on an adventure to South America. The movie is heartfelt and I particularly appreciated the close connection that forms between the boy and his elderly friend as well as the use of an older character as a brave and witty hero. The boys loved the movie too, but for a different reason: the wilderness badges.
As soon as the movie was over, Milo and Oliver started discussing which “badges” they would have earned; Milo was sure he would have the climbing badge while Oliver stated matter-of-factly that he would have the art badge and probably the navigation badge since he has been studying geography so intensely in school. Then, Milo turned to me and asked, “Mama, why can’t we join the boy scouts?”
It was a question Andrew and I had avoided answering truthfully for awhile. It was easy to dismiss the issue a year ago, when we were saying no to just about all extra curricular activities and had discussed with our boys how we thought they just needed down time after school for now. But recently we let some activities sneak in at the boys’ urging; the older two do circus class every Saturday and just joined their after-school running club this spring. It would have been easy to say, “You guys are signed up for enough extras for now,” and let the issue drop. But there has been a lot of open discussion between Andrew and me within earshot of the boys about some pretty serious topics, so I felt that it was time I had that open discussion (albeit more their speed) with them directly.
I usually prefer to keep this online space a lighthearted one, leaving out news and politics and religion even though they are talked about almost daily in our home. But I wanted to share this particular topic because it is on the forefront of our minds lately and has been an issue that is very near and dear to us.
We are strong advocates of gay rights and the Boy Scouts of America are not.
While the Boy Scouts have made some progress on the issue (they now “allow” openly gay scouts to participate and recently hired an openly gay Eagle Scout as a camp counselor), they still prohibit openly gay adult leaders. Even after individual scout groups such as one in Maryland adopted non-discrimination policies declaring that the group would not discriminate “against any individual or family based on race, religion, national origin, or sexual orientation,” they received threats from the NCAC leaders of the Boy Scouts of America that they would not be recognized as an organization unless they “erased the reference to sexual orientation in their non-discrimination statement.” To me, it’s pretty clear where they stand on this issue. And that’s not a position we are willing to support or ignore.
Because we have been raising our children to accept others, treat others with kindness and respect, and to embrace differences, the conversation I had with Milo and Oliver was a natural one. We talked about what being gay means, and how it is just another amazing example of the beauty of human diversity. I answered all of their questions with honesty and gave examples of the friends and family we love and respect. And then I had to tell them that not everyone accepts people for who they are, and that sometimes they take it so far that they make rules to exclude them.
By this point, Milo had started tearing up. He was angry and sad, but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was disappointed that we weren’t going to let him be a boy scout, or if he was troubled by the unfairness of exclusion. “But Mom, that’s bullying!” he said. And then I started crying too. “Yes, buddy, it is.”
We will not let our three wonderful, dynamic, super smart boys be boy scouts until the Boy Scouts of America changes their policy not only on gay members and leaders, but also religious freedom (or more accurately, the freedom to choose no religion at all). Because it turns out, upon further investigation, this organization also prohibits atheist members and leaders. So, unless you are religious and straight, you’re not welcome.
I talked with Milo and Oliver for about half an hour about all of this, which is a long time to talk about a serious issue with a 5 and 7-year-old. They both seemed really angry and sad, but we talked about how important it is not to ignore the exclusion of others just because you really want to do something, and how that would make you a bully too. We talked about doing what you feel is right, doing what you believe in, and trying to make a change. Milo asked how we could change their minds. I told them that sometimes you can’t, but that it’s really important to try, and one place to start is by writing a letter or having a discussion.
We’re giving the issue space with our boys, but also contemplating helping our older boys formulate a letter expressing their feelings on the exclusion promoted by the Boy Scouts of America. If they are ready, they will write and send it. If not, we will revisit the topic later.
After our discussion, Milo and Oliver had an intense brainstorming session, and decided that the best way to deal with this issue was to form their own scout group, where anyone could join, and where they would design and earn paper badges, and that’s exactly what they’ve done. Oliver earned a “laundry badge” for doing an entire load of laundry from start to finish, from sorting to pouring detergent to finding the right cycle, to transferring the wet clothes to the dryer, then removing and folding the dried clothing… and then (kind of) putting them away. He was so proud of his paper circle with a washing machine on it!
I am disheartened by the “one step forward, two steps back” movement of gay rights at the moment. That what appears to me to be completely obvious civil rights issues do not appear that way to others, and that I have to have a discussion with my little boys about why some adults are pretty closed-minded when it comes to people who are different from themselves. But you’d better believe I’m not going to shield them from the injustices of the world to have them grow up completely oblivious to what others might be going through. We are teaching them to stand up for what they believe in, for what’s right.
So for now, we’re no boy scouts.
Charlie will have to join forces with your boys because we feel the EXACT same way and have already had many talks about what we plan to do when this topic comes up.
Good for you! I recently had a similar discussion with my son, and I’ve been contemplating starting an inclusive, non-religious, non-military club of our own. I know there are likeminded people in our city and so much of what the Boy Scout troops do is really cool…
Amanda – It already exists – Baden-Powell Service Association.
Thanks, Kristin! Here is the Baden-Powell Service Association’s Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/bpsa.us
Is there anything like this in St. Louis?
There is a chapter here, the 66th Confluence. Their website lists ways to get involved locally.
http://bpsa-us.org/
My views completely align with yours. My brother was an Eagle Scout and had a great experience in scouting, but their stance on gays IS bullying! I’ve been so frustrated with Indiana’s law and I have often wondered in situations like this if it’s more effective to boycott or try to change from within… I don’t have a clear answer. I admire you for having a direct conversation with your sons, and I love their creative solution.
Yay! Thank you, Maggie and Kristin!
I love this post so much! It gives me such hope about the generation we’re raising.
What an amazing way to talk to children about these things. I think that acceptance of different lifestyles can come from observation (my son is growing up watching a large proportion of our neighbors and friends walking arm-in-arm with their same-sex partners), but your post is also reminding me that having straight-up conversations about these things are also in the cards. That it won’t be enough to just rely on passive nonchalance.
I remember distinctly the day I learned about homosexuality – it was the day my parents told my 11-year-old self about the death of Freddie Mercury. They also told me about HIV that day, something that had a huge effect on my eventual development into a scientist (and here I am, working at a department of Immunology a few decades later).
Ah. Anyways, just loved reading this.
way to go mama! Love your heart and what you are teaching those boys. They are so lucky to have parents like you two!
Love this Lauren, you guys do a wonderful job of speaking about big concepts with your boys. We are just beginning to enter into a few of these types of discussions, and it’s very challenging (and even more difficult to unite with one another on exactly the tone to strike, which you always seem to do effortlessly as parents).
I have temporarily fallen of the blogosphere while we juggle a few million balls over here, but I always squeeze into your space (even if I don’t have time to comment). Love checking in with you guys!
I’m completely with you. It seems so strange for them to be involved in the community and helping, yet making such a stance against gays. I don’t appreciate it at all, and don’t want my kids being part of organizations that support discrimination.
In the mean time, I know you’re doing your own kind of scouts, but Julian has been on diy.org for a few years now, and it’s grown and gotten cooler since its early days. It’s got a lot of great projects for kids, and they can earn patches for activities completed. They get to make cool projects at home, share their pictures in a (well moderated) supportive environment with other kids, and it’s so fun to be part of.
Lauren, thanks for bringing this up. Lots of bloggers keep quiet about political and ethical issues, but you don’t – and that’s a big part of why I love reading your blog.
Wow. I had to quell my own “ack! I hate the generation we are bringing our boys up in!” response while reading this post. BSA still (!!) discriminating against gay people? Really?!! So disheartening. But you know what’s not disheartening (for me): reading your own and other mothers’ opinions. No, BSA, we will not blindly enroll our boys into your club and “hope for the best.” We will find other, better alternatives with positive,egalitarian messages!
I love this and your stance. I think all too often we shy away from important discussions with our children and by ignoring those conversations we do them a great disservice. Your boys are lucky to have you all for parents and the world will be lucky to have your boys as citizens.
Lauren, I have been reading your blog for a long time and never commented. But I would like to let you know how much a value your opinion in this article. I am gay myself and plan on having kids in a few years. Even though I live in Germany and and am thus not affected directly by the policies of the Boy Scouts I still strongly believe how important it generally is to not silently accept inequality – regardless of the topic. So hooray to your family for addressing that and being such a positive example from early on. It makes me feel lighthearted to know there are good people out there. Thanks again!
Lisa, thank you so much for commenting! I completely agree. If we can’t raise our kids to confront injustices, we can’t expect them to do so when they’re grown. I hope the world is becoming a more accepting place, I certainly think we’re heading there (ever so slowly).