If you have a minute, head on over to The Washington Post to read an article I wrote about answering the question “What do you do all day?” while the kids are in school…
And be sure to check out the comments section; there are quite a few gems!
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I saw a bag somewhere once that had this message screen printed on it: “Never read the comments”
Lovely writing, as always.
The hardest parts of parenthood (saying this as an outsider) seem to be judgement from others, or putting so much pressure on yourself. (Besides lack of sleep, obv.)
In regards to comment sections, f%$k the haters.
Lauren, as always, I find myself really thinking about your words and also realizing that you’ve captured some of what I’ve been feeling lately too. The “doing enoughness” quality and/or trying to justify my time versus really honoring my worthiness and the worthiness of my day as separate from my to do list. Thank you! There is a little too much energy in the Post comments section, so I wanted to thank you here.
Agree with Kristin, comments=tedious. Back to my book.
Love this!
Lovely piece, Lauren. And how cool that you’re writing for sites like The Washington Post, too!
High five to you for getting a bit of time to yourself during the day. Even if it is filled with business, a little time away from kids feels like such a treasure to me.
Never, ever read the comments. The comments section of any article or clip is the Bog of Eternal Stench of the Internet.
xo
Found you through your guest article and omg can I say thank you enough? I have found myself in the same exact position (and in a new country) this year and needed to read those words dearly. Thank you. 🙂
Hello,
Enjoyed your article on “what do you do all day ”
excellent reply to those that ask.
they are prob of two minds.. one they would love to do what you do & two .. they don’t know how , so they are a bit jealous.
but the comments on the WP sight , some were nasty 🙂
wow..
probably coming from those ” Women’s rights” gals, (who agree to give you a ‘choice’ if it’s THEIR choice too) , that see nothing of value except bringing in a paycheck. perhaps their own moms left them 10 hours a day.. they had to be tough & fend for themselves & think all kids should.
Your value is far above rubies.
no one, Not even your husband will nurture those children like you do.
after having been on Both sides of the fence. I am here to say..
I love being home.. not in a house all day.. but making a home.
my husband loves it.. & so does my youngest daughter.. ,
I must have done something right.. cuz our oldest daughter is also a stay at home mom to ( and a homeschool mom also )
( by the way….. cuz our kids don’t leave all day. JUST IMAGINE the questions WE get ..!)
blessing , you are doing the right thing.
lisa
I love this so much! Beautiful writing lady.
Ok, I just read some of the comments. I am appalled. My mind is so blown. Why why why do we spend time and energy picking each other apart? I love reading articles and blog posts to learn other peoples perspectives not to hate on people who I don’t identify with. However I always love your perspective and thoughts! In any case, keep being you and keep sharing the way you do. There are many many many of us who love your voice and want more of it!!!
Love the article!!! I place a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to be productive. It’s something we as mothers do best, I guess.
I, for one, appreciate your article. Having four little ones, two of whom are in school now, one in part-time preschool, and one still a baby, I also feel as if I need to justify myself. People have asked me “What do you do all day,” as I bounce the baby on my hip. Usually, they know I have three others, and are just being kind, knowing having one must be a lot easier than having four, and in their own way encouraging me to enjoy it while I can. I don’t mind those comments, but they don’t completely quiet the tiny insecure voice that feels it needs to explain how frazzled I still am, how much I work, how I have aspirations for a “real” job one day. I also feel the pressure (real or perceived) to volunteer, because I’m at home. With a baby and toddler and a career I’m attempting to jump back into in the evenings. But, I sometimes feel as if others view me as having loads of time to squander simply because I am a SAHM.
You know, so many mornings of late, after a long night of trying to get back into my career (illustrator), I find myself pining for the days when all of them will be out the door by 8:00 a.m., so I can actually tackle what I’m aching to do during daylight hours. Then I am ashamed, thinking how blessed I am to stay at home, and quickly remind myself to drink in their smallness while they’re still so, because yes, I am lucky to be home. But being a SAHM to young ones is hard, REALLY hard, no matter what your financial status is! I think I understand where you are now–it’s not really that far for me, and I say good for you. You deserve a break from multi-tasking with 1-3 demanding people attached to you. And yes, you are working, as a writer, and as a homemaker, and as a mother. Great job on being confident, and for beautiful writing that is getting recognized! Carry on.
Thank all of you so much for keeping this space a positive and supportive one — not just for me and my family, but for each other. I really do appreciate it.
I enjoyed your article… what a shame how they are missing the true essence of your parenting…it’s beautiful..the comments remind me of just how much emphasis our society puts on being productive and “busy”…maybe that’s part of the problem…they need to calm their minds…
keep on sharing your authentic life..it’s lovely…
Lauren, do t
Ahhhh. Do you have a private email?
Hi Sarah, yes, I do. I will email you though!
Beautiful piece… and those comments! Geez, I wish I had something insightful to say, but I’m too exhausted from mooching off my husband and have got some chores that best be done! Seriously? Anonymity on the internet is just dangerous. High five for resisting the impulse to engage (I never seem to find that restraint).
I first read this and thought “I SO needed this.” And then I read the comments. FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS! ARG!
I am an educated STAHM that struggles daily with her ‘job’ (Srsly, there are some days I owuld love to stand up and say – ”dudes, I quit”), my self-identity and all I have to do to support and provide the people around me. There is not a lot of ‘me’ time in this role and one has to find it and even ustify it to themselves. I hate to give into gender roles here but if I weren’t able to be here my husband could not be as productive as he is working his ass off, my kids would be lost and listless and I would be an angry white female posting asshol-ish comments on The Washington Post.
The 80s and 90s were riddled with people criticizing working Moms. Now, as more and more of us are staying home because the world has reopened the idea that it is its own job, that isn’t enough either? Women cannot win. We can’t work; we can’t stay at home. Essentially, unless we are miserable, quiet and worked to the bone no one is happy? FEMINISTS UNITE! Because this is some bullshit.
Kudos to you for putting yourself out there so bravely. People think I’m the privatest person in the world because of this sort of thing. My thin skin can only handle so much.
Bravo, Lauren! I am at a different stage of life than you are but similar in many ways. I am recently an empty nester, and people wonder what I do all day, or how do I plan to get on with my life. What? You mean I haven’t been living life for the last 22 years? I have been blessed even as you have to stay at home and raise my kids straight through high school, running a carpool everyday, and doing laundry till the cows come home. I will not say I have loved every minute, but I have experienced incredible joy and satisfaction in serving my family, and serving my family well. Those days and nights are difficult when the children are young, and oftentimes they seem like they never will end, but the old adage holds true – Time flies! They are here today and gone tomorrow. Enjoy! 🙂
I thought that your article was a lovely piece of writing, with a great balance of empathy and gratitude while delving into this obsession with production our current society seems to be obsessed with.
That being said, my most favorite idiotic comment was from the guy who tried to shame you because as a SAHM you aren’t paying into the tax system through a full time employer. I’ve heard a lot of crap about staying at home, but never something quite so blatantly ridiculous.
Chin up and ignore the haters.
Good for you, Lauren.
You are doing what is right for you and your family and making it work. Saddened, but unfortunately not surprised, to see so many mean comments.
We are in entirely different situations (my husband and I do not have children and both work full time), but I can appreciate your perspective. Nurturing children is important work so one day they can be confident and kind adults. Our goals include saving so that we can retire early (from stressful jobs) and enjoy life (and hopefully see more of our out-of-town nieces, nephews, friends and family); there is more to life than earning a paycheck.
But at times I do feel conflicted on the general topic of SAHM; I fondly think back to my childhood and how fortunate my brothers, my father, and I were to have Mom at home; she seemed to magically make everything special. There was nothing like a summer vacation where we had the option to sleep-in!
On the flip side, I can see the importance of both spouses being able to financially support their families. Life happens. I have seen good friends who had seemingly solid marriages experience betrayal and divorce. If my girlfriends had not been able to support themselves, their families would be in much worse situations. Other friends feel they could not be good moms if they were home all day with their kids – they need the outlet and stimulation their jobs and careers provide.
I think all of this adds to an interesting discussion. It allows us to explore our differences, our priorities, and to think about how we can live in alignment with our priorities. Most importantly we need to listen to one another with respect and kindness.
I just wanted to let you know that I loved your article and it was exactly what I needed to see today. My youngest recently started full time school and although I’m surrounded by a supportive husband and friends who still don’t work outside of the home, even with teenage kids, I’ve been putting tons of pressure on myself to ‘get back to work’. I started writing about this process of trying to figure out what to do with this next stage in my life just in case you would enjoy checking it out. It’s at thedustyparachute(dot)com. Today (and tomorrow)…my mantra will be “Enough”. Have a wonderful day.
Great perspectives!
And as for the hateful comments, I visualize a random stranger walking up to me on the street and trying to hand me a bag filled with steaming shit; no way am I taking that bag — that’s their package, not mine.
Everyone has said what I would want to say in response to the comments on your fantastic article. The only thing I would add is that on top of managing a home and parenting your children, you also are a writer and your blog is updated more frequently than any other blog I follow. So you are plenty busy, but perhaps getting used to an hour or two off in a 24 hour day? There is a subtle, and not so subtle sexism imbedded in much that was written.
Hi Lauren,
I’m finally coming out of the woodwork after following your blog for a few months now. It is the one I look most forward to and is inspiring to me as a mom, home cook and someone desiring to simplify my wardrobe! I just didn’t feel I could be silent after reading your lovely article and seeing some (most?) of the negative commentary. I saw only one comment that actually addressed what I felt was the essence of your article – balance. Something we all could use, regardless of our vocation or station in life. Thank you for advocating for everyone who feels overwhelmed, and feels the pressure to be “busy” all the damn time! Heart work, creative work, home work, mom work, peace work, moving our bodies and being healthy…it’s all part of the balance. Thanks for the reminder!
I really enjoyed your article, Lauren, and I chose not to read the comments. What other readers refer to above is enough for me. I work full-time and my husband is home working on a PhD. Before that, he was home with the babies and he gets all kinds of comments about how fast the PhD will be done, now that the kids are not home all day. However, this time he is home is invaluable to our family. He takes care of everything – doctor appointments, home upkeep, shopping (all but groceries) – including helping my daughter decide what to wear for picture day today. Our family gets to do fun things when we are all together, rather than cleaning or running every errand – this structure really works for us. And he probably spends time gathering inspiration and motivation in ways that don’t look “productive”. How he spends that time is his to decide, just like I get to decide how productive I am at my job. And, his PhD will get done when it gets done. So, it all comes around to supporting each other and deciding that we don’t know what works for everyone else.
Sarah, thank you for commenting! I’m so glad you spoke up here! And yes, the point is balance. I think what’s really interesting about all of this is that I wrote the article as one stay at home mom of young kids to another. Nowhere in the article was there any discussion about the rights and wrongs of staying at home versus working. To me, it’s a given that every family is doing what works for them! It’s immensely interesting what people personally pulled from the article to address their own issues.
For us personally, the choice for me to stay home had to do with many things; financially, as a school social worker, I wasn’t even making enough to cover child care costs. Also, I WANTED to stay at home and raise our children. We’re very lucky to have the financial ability, and I’m forever grateful for that. Our choice to do this has opened up the most important thing for us as a family, which is time (what Carol refers to). My being home allows for all the busy stuff to get done while Andrew is at work during the week. Then, in the evenings and on weekends, we get to spend time as a family doing things we enjoy: playing music, reading books, going to the playground, exploring our city, going for long walks, talking and talking and talking to each other and our kids, etc.
All of the harsh judgement in the comments section seem to have the most to do with a disapproval of our choice of lifestyle. And that is exactly the point. If career is the most important to someone else, fantastic! I support your choice and rally for you! It’s just not my number one. I want to live a slower life. I am lucky, so lucky, to be able to do that at this moment in time. And I speak for my entire family when I say we have never been happier. This is the lifestyle and balance that works for us.
I love that you stand for and write about YOU! Your experiences and your life (inspiring many, many others by the way), If they want a life like yours they could choose it, or not choose it. However, they are wasting their energy on what could make them happy to bash you. It makes me feel sorry for them, because I know that you are a happy healthy mama and they are clearly dwelling on something else! Sending you love girl! Miss you!
I read your article in the Local Living section of The Washington Post. I consider myself local as I live only 20 minutes from Washington, DC. I find that you live in St. Louis, not local to Washington, DC. Since you refer to some of the comments on the Post website as gems, I gather you are not fond of what people wrote. I recommend that you learn about the subscription base before writing another article. Like you, I have 3 children and really wanted to feel that there was a connection and understanding between two mothers while I read your article. I was wrong. I completely understand the message you intended to convey in your article but your delivery was quite whiny and “woe is me.” Readers, including myself, questioned what you wrote because we live in one of the most well-educated places in the country. We analyze everything! Before you bash comments from readers of a major print syndicate, I recommend that you develop a thicker skin and utilize that criticism to further grow as a writer. Be thankful people were actually reading your article and engaging in a discussion about it as evidenced by 111 comments. You are not a victim (though you are acting like one in the comments above) and are simply receiving critical comments from readers of a well-established and valued newspaper. You have my permission to publish this, though I doubt your sensitive ego will allow you to do this.
Catherine, thank you for taking the time to comment over here as well as on the Washington Post article. I do appreciate constructive criticism and feedback on my writing. However, I have to disagree with you that the comments made over on the Post were constructive to improving my writing. Instead of feedback about writing in general, I found the comments were about personal choices (i.e. whether or not staying at home is a lucrative career or whether or not taking a day to relax as a stay at home mom is frowned upon or met with judgment).
I too lived in “one of the most well-educated places in the country;” I made many good friends when we lived in DC. When I was recently contacted by an editor at the Post asking if I would write for them, I jumped at the chance.
The idea that I would change the way I write, or what I write, to please the readership of the Post, is interesting to me. I’m not even quite sure how I would go about it!
Again, I appreciate your point of view. I’m sure that there are plenty of other writers with whom you will feel a connection. My life and choices are my own, and I look forward to writing about them.
Hi Lauren!! I have not commented here in awhile but felt led to tonight. I have almost 9 and 11 year old girls, the 11 year old has CF. Prior to her birth, I also was a social worker, and once she was born and we found out she had CF, it cemented our desire to have me stay home indefinitely. 2 years later when we had another child, she did not have CF but she cried for what felt like the first 3 years of her life. Those were hard years! I couldn’t believe when someone asked what I did all day and although I KNEW how blessed we were to financially afford for me to be at home (although we were housepoor in a tiny house!) it was still hard work. Fast forward to when they were in 1st and 3rd grades, full day school for both, I entered the social work field again part time. So I have been a SAHM and a part time SAHM. My hats off to a working mom, as I don’t know how I would do it, especially with the time it takes each day to help my daughter with her health. Not to mention just regular chores, errands, appointments, etc. I KNOW how blessed I am. It is rare I have admitted when I have stared at the ceiling. Your article was spot on – balance. Working in the home but taking the time for yourself to stay sane. Guess what – that balance enables you to be an even better mom and wife, to serve your household in a loving way, because your batteries are recharged. I am happy to see that you are not discouraged by the comments and will keep writing. Enjoy your day tomorrow – the kids will be in school! 🙂
Thanks, Brynn! I love hearing your story! And yes, I agree. We are incredibly happy and this seems like the right balance for us. I hope you have a wonderful day too! 🙂
Dear Lauren, I am so happy for your writing on parenthood reaching a wider audience. I have been an avid fan for years, as you may know, and I’m child-free. You give me an entirely different hope from the one you discussed: that should I someday choose to become a parent, I could still retain my personality, my selfhood, and engage my child in things I care about as well as enjoy filling their needs and watching their own personality form and nourish its development. I know its off topic, but honestly, a lot of parents caring for their kids in this “modern” American way of parenting make it look like an unpleasant slog. Regardless of circumstances, moms like you make parenting look fun and rewarding. And yes, of course it’s easier to do that when you can afford to stay at home, but I know plenty of sahms who’s lives seem less joyful and satisfying. I’m grateful to you for making parenthood look fun and meaningful.
I hope you’re not taking all personal comments to heart too tightly, it seems like you’re handling them well. Writing for a publication is so different from blogging because you really get people from all walks of life, not just ones that gravitate towards your persona, or share your particular situation and can identify with it. It’s interesting how differently we treat people when we don’t ‘know’ them personally, as one’s blog audience does. It really annoys me when instead of well-thoughtout critiques and cohesively written critiques, people write those kinds of intentionally hurtful blurbs, attacking you personally. It makes real discourse hard to have. Your choices are your own, as all of ours are, but regardless of that fact, there’s still so much room to discuss them in a wider societal context, yet people choose to make it personal instead. The discussion is always divided into “yays” and “nays”, almost never nuanced and polite, yet critical. Damn it must suck to be a mama on the internet these days.
Thank you for your fearless sharing. I’m sending you good vibes for articulate, kind and interesting readers, no matter what their point-of-view may be <3
Thanks, Milla. That means the world to me!
Lauren, your blog continues to delight and impress me! Whenever I’m intently reading something on my laptop, Dominic assumes it is your blog. As a DC resident, I am thrilled to be able to read about parenting from someone who is NOT in DC. This city, wonderful as it is, is tough on those who don’t prioritize office work. I welcome the reminder of how many choices we have in how to live our lives, and appreciate how you demonstrate this in each of your posts.
Writing about oneself is brave, and couldn’t be done without thick skin. Kudos to you for continuing to do such a good job at it.
Liz, I love hearing from you! Thank you for your kind words. And as for the thick skin, I’m definitely working on it! 🙂
I enjoyed your article Lauren, and I’m a single working mama! I didn’t read the comments, but I can imagine. I think your words touched our cultural wounds of time/money, the extravagant lifestyles that rob us of time and meaningful living and play out in manifest personal ways. Many are choosing other paths to counter that, and I saw your article in that light. Obviously, to BE is an act of courage. As a mother, I think it is an act of faith also–in ourselves, apart from our job–any job. Women need this, no matter what path they are on, and to be supported by other women! Feel my support! Keep writing your truth; your voice is needed!
I feel it, Trina! Thank you!
This is the first year my kids are both in school full-time and I find that I ask myself that same question at least as often as someone else asks me. Thank you for this perspective and reminder of what is important. I am going to use your perfect answer, especially when talking to myself: “Enough.”