Today, I feel my heart welling up; I am full of gratitude and astonishment for the strong friendships I have made over the past few years. I think I am the happiest I have been during my whole adult life, and that is saying a lot.
Looking back on the earliest years of motherhood for me, it was a time of extremes. I felt full of love and amazement at these little people I had brought into the world, but I also felt a lot of anxiety, exhaustion, and often strong feelings of negativity. I was honestly not a very good friend or partner. I gave of myself so hard to my family, I had nothing left to give others except sharing those negative feelings. Getting it off my chest was essential, but my life was not as balanced as it is now, and in hindsight, I can see how difficult that must have been to be around- for Andrew, for my family, and for my friends.
But lately, I feel myself blooming. I feel a rebirth of my very being, and it is such a good feeling. Surrounded by positive, funny, gentle women, I am finally flourishing again. There is not room for the negative; the people who bring me down I hold at an arm’s length, or let go completely. And it is not a cold, calculated move; it is just that I am making time for the people in my life who make me feel happy and whole, and there is no time left for anything else.
And it is easier to love.
Andrew is a constant. I think of the beginning of our love affair over 14 years ago and how we literally grew up together. Together since our teenage years, I will never forget the first time I saw him, and even more vividly, the first time we made eye contact. Like a jolt of electricity through my veins, I felt it deeply and immediately, and it scared the hell out of me- I tried to avoid him for months, knowing how badly he could hurt me. But he never did. He was there, always. And letting myself fall in love with him was the best decision I ever made. 
Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you feel the love from your partner, your family, your friends, and the universe, not only today, but every day. 
Beautiful post. Happy Valentine’s Day, Lauren!
Lauren,
You have always been a positive person – always looking for the good in everyone. I wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day with Andrew and the little ones! You are lucky to have them, and they are lucky to have you! We all love you!
Mom
You are such a gift of life! I love reading these intimate, insightful and brave posts from you – they are full of warmth and wisdom far beyond your years. I feel particularly happy when I am around you and your clan and find myself very lucky indeed. Today is a day for not just romantic love and this post is perfect testament to that.
This is so honest and so lovely! Thanks so much for sharing, I can relate very strongly to a lot of what you say! Sending you LOVE Mama on this Valentines Day!
Aw, thanks ladies! This day is just full of the best and sappiest love imaginable!
What a lovely post.
I can attest that even in the early days of motherhood, you were a good friend.
Lots of love to you and the family.
xoxoox
Thanks, Nora! You know, sometimes a girl just needs to hear that! Love you, lady!
Letting myself love him was the best decision I ever made.
This line gave me chills. What a beautiful reminder–we *choose* to love.
Aw, the best! The greatest thing about this post just *might* be that it gives me license to be a focused nut right now, while my baby is bitty 🙂 Seriously though, I love how there is a general theme in this space lately of rediscovering yourself as you look towards having more independent kids as opposed to babies. I think often of my career and life as my kids become school age, and there is a lot I want to do but also a lot of anxiety about the uncertainty, and leaving behind all that I adore about mothering small kids. The lightness and enthusiasm that you have with this stage of your life makes me hopeful about my own near future. It might also convince me that I don’t need to have another baby, and it is okay to know you are enjoying these sweet milestones for the last time… unless of course you wind up pregnant and then I’m in 😉
It completely and totally does suddenly get better, Lilly! I felt a bit over my head last year and the year before. I know it has something to do with how close in age my boys are, but while I was in the thick of it, I didn’t quite grasp just how overwhelmed and exhausted I felt all the time. Now having two in school all day, plus one who naps about two hours a day has completely changed life. Also, I find myself really truly enjoying and cherishing each moment with Emil. He will definitely be our last babe!