… is everything.
13 hours and 16 minutes after Andrew left for San Francisco for the last time this year, 35 minutes after Milo finally fell asleep, 1 hour after I let our lovely dog Proudie out (this one is key), and 2 1/2 minutes after I FINALLY got Oliver to fall asleep in my arms after jogging around the dark house with him swaddled like a maniac baby in a straight jacket for a half-hour,
Proudie jumped up onto my bed and immediately peed about a half gallon onto our blankets, sheets, and part of a pillowcase.
@!!!$#@$%#%$@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do I do, you ask?
Curse at the heavens? No. Smack the dog while screaming at her, Oliver still in one arm? No. Cry? No. I freeze. My jaw literally dropped and I just sat there, Oliver in my arms, room partially dark, both of us ready to settle in for the night, enormous puddle of dog pee on the bed inches away from me.
Yeah, I’m a “freeze-er.” You know, one of those people who during a “situation” just stands there looking dumb with her mouth wide open, frozen to the spot until further notice. And lucky enough, I married a “do-er.” Andrew is the quickest act-er I have ever seen, which, when paired with my frozenness must look hilarious.
In the first house Andrew and I bought together way back when we were living in Philadelphia, we decided to remodel the bathroom by ourselves. This entailed ripping out and installing a bathtub in a space no bigger than a closet. To make a long story short, we busted the water line to the toilet when we wacked the bathtub into it, and heard a WATERFALL gushing down into our ceiling. I froze. By the time I came out of my dumbass coma, Andrew had already sprinted down two flights of stairs, found the shut-off valve, shut the water off, and made it back up to the bathroom.
Yep. If Andrew had been here, he would have grabbed Proudie mid-pee and somehow gotten her into the bathtub before two drops came out of her. But not me! No!!! I watched totally frozen as she soaked the entire bed.
Useless.
Sometimes I am utterly useless. Yep, this should have happened to a do-er.
And now you know why I could never be an ER doc.
Cat’s response: ooh poor think
Garriy’s response: great writing, she should publish this
thing, i mean
I would have gathered all bedclothes, tied them in a huge knot with Proudie in the middle, and thrown everything out the bedroom window like a Baltimore fishwife. It would have had to have been a brick rowhouse with the marble steps, and a third floor front window, hair in curlers and huge upper arms. Get the picture? This would have been my scenario! Lauren, I do admire your control. That is something you definitely didn’t get from your mother’s side of the family! Love you! (And, just kidding about little Proudie!)
I take it that you slept in the spare room and worried about it in the morning.
Um….I am also a freezer! Ha ha ha! I usually wait for something like the peeing, or leaking or exploding to finish and then somehow I manage to clean up the mess. It’s like all time stops, except for the @%#$^*@&^*! And, I agree, good for you for keeping your calm! Andrew probably would have had some beautiful solution and taken pictures to post of the situation while he accomplished his feat!
Oh, I would have done something, but that something would have been CRY for sure! At least you held it together!