Screens are everywhere. I know I ruffled some feathers when I wrote this post, but let me assure you: I am not against technology. Obviously. I am writing this very post on my Mac, which I also use to check the news and weather, shop online, zone out on Pinterest, and communicate with far-flung friends and family via email and Facebook. Most of my own screen time is done in the evenings, once the kids are in bed, but I’ll be the first to admit, I’m probably on the computer too much.
But I’ve started noticing that everywhere I look, kids seem to be glued to some sort of screen, even during the nicest of weather. In the carpool line at school, the kids in the car in front of us are watching TV while they wait; their mama is on her smartphone. At the pizza place, kids are glued to individual devices at the dinner table while they wait for their food, and their parents are usually doing the same. In strollers and in shopping carts, kids have some sort of screen time to distract them. And fine. It’s not my kid, it’s not my call. I’m not here to judge. For all I know, it’s that kid’s one time all day that he/she is allowed to zone out in front of a screen. I get it.
But it has made me wonder. And you know what? Because this is a blog where I discuss my opinions (and that’s what this is, just an opinion), I’m going to go for it. Having our kids exposed to screen time everywhere is bullshit. It’s messing with our kids’ abilities to just be. It’s okay for our kids to feel frustrated or bored. It’s okay, no, good, to make them wait. It’s okay to let them be in their own heads a bit, to look out the car window instead of be constantly entertained. What about daydreaming? What about learning ways to be okay with quiet? Are we doing our young children a disservice by constantly distracting them from life?
I wonder if it’s because we’re all so darn tired all the time. I know I have resorted to a movie on the computer for my older two while Emil takes a nap, just so I can lie down and rest beside them. But recently, I have observed something really interesting within my own family.
I’d say we are very good with not allowing a lot of screen time with our kids. We haven’t owned a television in over 9 years, so there’s never just background noise of a TV someone left on. If we are watching something, it is because we went to the effort of opening our computers and finding some sort of show or short video, and then once it’s over, it’s over. But I was starting to fall back on that too much. I was letting the boys watch close to an hour of PBS every afternoon, sometimes more.
And then, during a wrestling match (right after I had told them not to roughhouse near the computer), they knocked my computer off the side table, ripping the cord out of the side and breaking the power cord. Luckily, the computer was fine. But the punishment was stern: absolutely no screen time for a week.
The first day, they asked me a few times if they could watch a video or play a game. But after that? Not once. An entire week has gone by, and they have filled that time with more books, pretend games, outside play, puzzles, music, and books on CD checked out from the library. They have been significantly less whiney and irritable in the afternoons. Andrew and I both noticed this change about 3 days in, and decided maybe we need to change our family rules around screen time for good.
I know that every family is different, but I ask you this: what have you noticed about screen time with your kids? How much is too much for your family? Do they become fussier when they are allowed more screen time? Have you found a good balance? I would like to designate one day a week as a “video day,” where they can choose to either watch a video or play an educational computer game (pbskids.org has some great ones) for an hour tops, but I wonder if I will lose my mind if I have no down time during the other days of the week!
And please, don’t take offense to my opinions in this post. I am only speaking from what I have seen with my own kids. The last thing I want to do is alienate anyone or make anyone feel judged. On the contrary. I would love to get a good dialogue going about this issue. We are all in this together!
Brian and I have spent much time talking about this. He is almost seven years older than me, so there is definitely a noticeable difference in our use, ability and desire for technology in our lives. That being said, we are pretty much on the same page.
It drives us insane when families are out to dinner and no one is talking because they are all on their devices.
He would probably be fine with our kids not having any of their own devices, but as a teacher I see how much they are used at school so knowing how to use them is definitely a skill I want our kids to have.
We will always have a TV because neither of us would be okay with not watching our sports. And, to be honest, we love our hour or so of reality TV downtime at night. We do, however, plan to brainwash our children into loving our teams as much as we do, so the TV is necessary for that 🙂 family time, right?
Bottom line: moderation. I want our kids to know and have access to modern technology, but I also want them to play outside, play sports, etc. And, I couldn’t agree more. Learning to wait is one of the greatest skills we can teach children.
Lauren- I’m SO offended. 🙂
I’m 100% in agreement with you. This time last year when we were driving from Boston to bumblef*ck Maine every day Craig had off, we let Gus watch movies in the car. It was the only way we could drive three and four hours both ways and not all have our heads turn to jelly. (With the ipad in the car it was just Gus’s head that turned to jelly. :)) But then he started asking for it.. And he realized we had Netflix on our tv.. And our tv was in our living room so the second he got up every day he was all “SHOW, MAMA! I watch a show?” The more shows he watched in one day, the poorer his mood was. So we really started trying to limit it but I found it incredibly hard because we had three feet of snow on the ground and I was constantly stuck at home…but, we did our best.
Since our move the screen time has plummeted, and I’m really grateful and can see a huge difference in Gus. Our tv is in our bedroom now so it’s out of sight, out of mind (and also upstairs where he’s never allowed to go by himself). My computer also stays up in our room. So, that only leaves the ipad, which is easy enough to stash away if it happens to be downstairs. Some days he never asks for any screen time, other days he wakes up and asks if he can watch a movie right away. It’s not like he’s forgotten about the screen, BUT when I say no (which is most often my answer) we rarely have any issues anymore.
The way that we use the screen happens in two ways now. First- family movie night. We all pile into the big bed and watch a movie together. It happens once every one or two weeks and he LOVES it. Big time. The second way- in situations of absolute emergency. We’re finding that sometimes both of us need to be involved with something on the farm and it’s just not possible for Gus to help. The other afternoon we moved the chicken coop and the chickens didn’t move with it. So, they were basically setting themselves up for a night coyote bait. Of course we could have dragged Gus around with us but it was so much easier to just put him on the porch with a movie. It was dusk and we had 29 free ranging chickens to catch- I feel fine with letting him zone out in an instance like that.
I think teaching our kids to exist without something flashy in their face is incredibly important. I love technology and I know I have to really be on top of myself or I use too much of it, and my childhood was essentially free of technology. I think about what kind of relationship Gus could develop with technology if I overexpose him to it now. How will he be able to connect to his world and to other people if he’s constantly having a screen shoved in his face? You’re right; every family makes the decision that’s right for them and their kid(s). I really don’t think there is one right answer. But for us- the less screen time and more real world experience, the better.
Whew. Epic comment. 🙂
I’ll be the first to admit my kids have too much screen time. We use TV as a pacifier when I need to keep them quiet for Bill to sleep days. We use it as a reward. We have “dinner and a movie” nights when Bill is at work. We take it away as punishment. I do carefully monitor what they watch (channels with no commercials, PBS, Disney, or videos we own or checked out from the library). They have no idea about pop culture. They have learned to use smart phones and have educational apps they’re permitted to use as a GREAT reward.
They also know how TV makes them feel, which is saying a lot for a 6 and 4 year old. They say their brains are “mushy” and they’re being bums. They listen less and fight more. And whine more. Sometimes they beg and sometimes they sneak, but they almost never turn it on without permission. They can always find something else to do. They are great car travelers.
I am never bored, really. I hardly ever watch TV except for a random movie I’ve DVR’ed or a science/history channel, usually when Bill isn’t home. Sports take precedence around here, too. Alternatively, I believe Bill’s greatest fear may be boredom. I know he wasn’t raised with lots of technology but I wonder if we’re just wired differently. I think with as active as his mind is, technology, sometimes multiple at once, actually helps to quiet and focus his thoughts. It drives me crazy not to simply concentrate on one but he thrives.
Rereading this diatribe makes me think I’m just making excuses. I do believe there is too much screen time out there, and in my own home, way too much. On the one hand it is our reality and our future, however we still must be cognizant of how it effects us as individuals, families and a culture as a whole. And not forsake the lessons and experiences that are truly important.
We keep a busy schedule, preschool (yesterday the zoo after preschool) so I don’t have a problem with letting them veg-out for a bit after they’ve been active. We watch very few movies so an hour is the longest it goes. They don’t nap but my son especially needs some down-time after school. Works for us 🙂
Oh, gosh, Lauren … I don’t want to admit how much screen time my three-year-old gets! I work from home as a virtual (online) school teacher, so, unfortunately, it is A LOT right now … With the end of the school year rush in full effect, I have way too much to do during the day, so the TV has become a huge crutch for ME. I’m pretty sure my son would find his own activities to do (or bother his one-year-old sister) if the TV wasn’t on … And, sometimes when it is on, he doesn’t even watch it … But it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I can’t get my work done if there isn’t someone or something else around to help occupy him.
In the fall, he’ll be heading to preschool for a half day a couple days a week and I am so excited … Not just for me, but for him! I know he’ll enjoy the interaction with other kids and all the learning and activities and won’t even miss the TV. I mean, he already is just fine without it on the weekends when we have more time to spend as a family and just enjoy the day together.
I feel compelled to respond to this post. I love everything you are saying here about screen time. I will admit, with 2 under 3, I feel overwhelmed most days and any screen gives me time in my own head or to catch my breath. (just as you said) But I have recognized attitude changes in my 2.5yo almost every time he watches tv. He watches PBS or approved Disney classics only. This is once a day as well, right before nap time.
As far as seeing EVERYONE around, including kids and preteens on a screen, at all times is maddening. So maddening, it is possibly one reason we are homeschooling. I can not wrap my head around the fact that all of the static that screens create is neccessary or good for my children. These screens are robbing our children of a childhood they deserve. My hope is that parents will similar age children see these things happening and take action in their own homes as you and I have —to break this cycle.
As a parent, you are no longer making beneficial decisions for your children when you place a device in their hands for ownership or just for usage. Even educational programs are not as beneficial as you think.
Lets get back to the basics here…
Screen time has been on my mind lately. I was at DisneyWorld this past week and I was shocked to see three, four, and five year olds being pushed around the park, oblivious to all the magic, because they were busy playing the Ipad. It really made me think about when and how my children use technology.
If it was up to me we wouldn’t have a televison at all. I do like watching movies and the Internet but you don’t need a tv for that, and a computer/tablet is so much easier to keep out of sight – and out of mind. But, my husband grew up in a house where there were multiple television sets on ALL the time, so no tv is not a possibility in our home. He is far more lenient about screen time than I am but since I am the one home most of the time I get to make the rules. My boys (4 and 7) get 1 episode in the evening (via Netflix) which works out to about 20 minutes. On the weekends they can watch a couple episodes or a full length film. They get very limited computer time, just enough to look something up on occassion. They don’t have personal devices and I don’t have a smartphone so screen time is also limited to the den at home.
Although I definitely think an overall time limit is important I think being consistent is the most important thing of all. The only time my kids get cranky about screen time is when I am the one to break the rules. Once I allow anything beyond the usual it sort of opens the floodgates and then the complaining begins. If there is a possibility that I might give in they try- almost just to try, whereas when I stick to my guns all they need is a reminder that it’s not time and they will find something else to do.
I also think it’s important to remember that your routines will change – my oldest didn’t watch any tv until he was 4. It was easy with just one. More babies make it much harder. Last year at this time I had a newborn and the older two were watching a lot more than 20 minutes a day. Now that I am not so exhausted, the youngest doesn’t need near constant attention, and the older two will play well together most of the time I don’t need so much of a break. Sometimes you have to aim for the best you can actually do versus your ideal. An hour a day is a heck of a lot better than the average (something like 6 hours a day!), especially if it means mama can recharge her batteries enough to be at her best the rest of the day.
I learned something really interesting when I was a first time Kindergarten teacher. One day I remember being totally exhausted and I needed to get a lot of testing done for the kids. I told my students that I had a surprise…and that for the next hour we would watch a video! To my ultimate shock they started complaining! Saying that all the do at home is watch tv. They said they would rather just play with each other in the block center or the “house” center. Wow! Okay then play away!
I think our kids are definitely inundated with screen time. I remember as a young child my mom would put a pitcher of ice water and two glasses outside and tell my sister and I we weren’t allowed inside unless we had to go to the bathroom. We were to use our imaginations and play outside for the day. I’m so grateful for that time…we had so much fun. However as we got older we turned into a tv family…there was a tv in every single room…even the kitchen and they were all on all the time. I’ve gotten so used to it now that I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to it! I put it on to fold the laundry, to cook dinner, to just relax, it’s on when I’m on the computer…ugh…now I have a one year old and I’m getting a little worried that she’s going to grow up in a tv house. I desperately don’t want that and I’m trying my best to turn it off and just go outside with her, but I have to admit it’s hard for me.
I’m glad you brought this up because I’m starting to get embarrassed at how much I rely on tv to just be there in the background…hopefully I can start weaning myself off of it little by little! Anybody have any suggestions? I don’t think I could go cold turkey!
Great discussion, you guys! I love this! Thanks for all the interesting feedback!
Funny you should bring this up since we just bought a minivan in January and specifically looked for a model that did not include an entertainment package. The salesmen thought we were nuts, but I just didn’t want to be staving off requests to turn on the t.v. every time we got in the van. Besides, my kids love to listen to music and audio books, but more on that here.
I’m not perfect when it comes to limiting screen time with the kids or myself, but it’s something I always worry about and try to curb it as much as possible — we have one t.v. in the house, I don’t turn it on during the day, and I try to take the kids to the park instead of sending them downstairs for a show. I think you should be concerned when you no longer worry about it.
I think about this a lot too, and I guess in the end it always comes back to moderation but what that means is different for every family.
Wyatt didn’t watch any TV at all… then I got pregnant and movies/ PBS was the only way I could survive. He watched a lot over the winter while I rested.
Now he often watches Curious George for a half hour in the morning while I get us ready to leave the house. He’s really funny because he prefers that I stay on the couch with him… if I sat there he’d probably be content to watch all day, but otherwise he’ll come looking for me after about 10 minutes anyway, so I can’t really use it as a babysitter.
There are days where I’m exhausted, he doesn’t nap, the weather is bad, and watching a movie together seems like the only way to get us to dinner time. I’m sure there will be more of those when the baby comes, but right now it’s nice out and there isn’t much need.
We do have a TV, but no cable so it’s used more to play movies. I actually like that it’s big and in one spot as opposed to the computer or iPhone/pad which can travel around… well for Wyatt I like it, for myself I am obsessed with my phone which I’m currently typing on 🙂 I just think it gives a firmer boundary somehow, and when the TV cabinet is closed he knows that’s it.
I sometimes wonder about his verball skills though and whether that’s tied to lack of TV. I notice a lot of his friends will know complicated words, math concepts, etc. and a lot of it is parroted from educational television programs. For us though, I feel better about learning from real life experiences… even if it takes us longer to get there.
That’s interesting, Lilly, about the language. I do think that at a certain age, TV programs can be a great supplement to kids’ knowledge about science, nature, math, etc. But I’ve heard that the real-world, hands-on learning has by far the biggest impact on kids’ knowledge and skills. I’d say you are doing a fantastic job with your guy!
As a non-parent I’m really offended too ;D
But seriously, this is something I think about a lot. We live somewhere where there’s not a lot of wireless available, no one’s had a TV with cable for aeons and you NEVER see someone zombieing out to their iphone on the street (no cellphone coverage. thank goodness.). In comparison to mainland kids, kids here are: engaged, polite, chatty, imaginative, and the most shocking of all TAN.
We’re outside a lot, working, cooking, talking, dancing and our kids are right there with us (like I said, we don’t have kids but most everyone we know and love do and so this is the collective we talking), engaging, playing.
While a lot of this may be cultural: small community, lots of adults parenting them and communicating with them, I do feel like the fact that in general we don’t all escape to our phones and ipads all the time in social situations, is helping the kids to stay more connected too. That’s not to say that they don’t have that technology at home, but it doesn’t rule their lives, real human interaction and interaction with nature does.
In fact of everyone I know, I’d say I spend a lot more time one the internet than most, due to my blog-writing hobby. Still, days can easily go by where neither of us goes online. If we had a kid, I’d definitely try to keep them away from seeing us do that. Do it when they’re asleep, make it less alluring and grown up seeming. Computer skills can be acquired later in life.
Having grown up without a TV myself in a society where everyone had one, and becoming a very devoted reader instead, I’d say that vocabulary and word skills can be improved through other means than TV and computers.
My husband likes to say that we’re the control group in this experiment of wireless communication and I like to think that’s true. We shall see how it shakes out when our now 16 year-olds go to college in two years 😉 So far, I think they rate pretty well, adjust to the general population just fine.
Sorry for the mega comment. Awesome interesting topic.
Lilly, this is purely anecdotal, but in my own experience, both of my kids were early talkers (my oldest was reading by 3.5) with expansive vocabularies even though they rarely watched t.v. The key in my opinion is reading to them…a lot..
Oh man. This is a GREAT post.
I have been working (at home) for the past 7 months at full time hours. Once Lotus wasn’t a teeny tiny infant anymore it only made sense to turn on Baby Einstein videos to preoccupy her…. now she is almost crawling and I decided to go to part time hours to make sure she isn’t just sitting in front of the TV all day. I am pretty ashamed to say how much she has already been in front of the TV but I went and changed my whole schedule (and pay grade!) to be able to spend quality time with her. She is brilliant already… I am going to blame that on my genes 😉 but she has only EVER watched Baby Einstein videos and The Lorax (the only movie she’ll watch) otherwise she’s never watched anything else.
I’m so glad you posted this. As I started reading it I turned the TV off (just playing a movie in the background) and I will keep it that way all day… unless we’re playing Pandora.
This is so great.
Also, my husband and I had talked about it months ago but we never wanted a DVD player in the car. We both grew up on road trips without cell phones, DVD players, and iPads… so we are fine raising her the same way. We also agreed that she’ll get a cell phone when she can pay for it herself…. she will not be 10-11 years old walking around with a smartphone. I can’t imagine what those children are able to access without supervision!!
Yay! So inspiring, all of you!
And Milla, I’m packing our bags to come live in your community as we speak. It sounds like my personal heaven!
I don’t like how it feels to let my kids watch movies and at the same time I crave moments to focus on dinner or reading or whatever. And, screen time for us is very seasonal. As the days get longer and warmer we phase out screen time considerably. Our default activity in the afternoons is to wander around in the yard. In the dreary, short days of winter movies and shows are how I survive the witching hours before dinner. Deep down I know we’d be fine/better/wonderful if we didn’t have any screens, but I am not energetic or rested enough to experiment with the system that is in place! Oh screens.
I would LOVE for Rho to have less screen time, but it’s become such a routine it’s hard to get away from it. He has always struggled with transitions, and for about a year now he uses videos (typically YouTube kids channels) and nursing to help him with them – mostly when he gets up in the morning and when we get home. That being said, I can usually limit him now that he has learned better comprising/cooperation skills. He will also sometimes peacefully go along with nurse/snuggle and a book instead of a video. I do notice that with too many videos he seems unfocused and sleepy. But at the same time, I think it helps him decompress when he’s had a lot of stimulation. The same goes for me – when I have been working really hard, I just want to watch a bit of TV to relax my brain. So yeah, balance. And some days are more balanced than others.
I love that you posted this and that people are beginning to realize the effects of screen time on children!
I’m actually doing my master’s research project on the effects of television on learning/development in infants and preschoolers. It’s wildly interesting…you definitely have the right idea!
When my 3rd baby was born, I resorted to TV too quickly as “entertainment” for my other 2 children. It became my default while I breastfed the baby, and if the kids ever got “wild.” Now, I don’t turn on the TV. At first, they would ask to watch something, but I’d just say No. Now, they don’t ask. And I want it to stay that way.
The other thing (about kids & screen time) that worries me is how schools are introducing computers so early! (ugh!) We purposely chose a preschool for my son that does not ‘encourage’ any screens, and focuses on outdoor time. We are trying to do the same at home: lots of time outside and inside, it’s free play w/toys and crafts.
Having said that, I’m not a great model for my children! I do want to change my ways. I am on my iPhone far too much (TV and other stuff, not so much…tho I am on a Mac right now and my oldest son is a foot away from me playing with coins – other two are napping.). I need to stop checking my phone every 20 seconds. Frankly, I’d be annoyed if I had to hang out with me all day!
My husband has a self-imposed “day away from technology” (usually Saturday). I think I should do this, too, only work to do it more during the week and wean myself off of my phone.
BTW, I was not annoyed by your post about smart phones. I admired you for it! I took a long time to warm up to cell phones (hated them!), but once I got the iPhone, I was hooked. I could totally relate to what you wrote, though.
Also, NO on the dvd player in the car. My husband are def against this idea. There are books, crayons/paper, looking out the window, singing songs…etc. etc. to do rather than zone out in front of a screen in a car!
(I don’t mean to offend anyone…to each his own, really!)
Also, a comment above reminded me: it did freak me out how my 4 yo son “tuned out” while watching a show. It is kind of creepy. And I did notice that he seemed kind of spacey afterwards, too. Don’t like it!
This is a great post and discussion. I think there is a sea change happening for kids. The new technologies are sweeping over us. Mass culture is so powerful! It is hard to be thoughtful, careful and restrained in the face of it. But I really believe a lot of it is not good. I think family movie night is about the only use that makes me feel good. Seriously. That’s because we are together and we talk and laugh and pause to play or mimic characters and events in the movie, stuff like that.
It reminds me of the introduction of fast food, also a technology. Everybody was basically fine with it. It has taken about 50 (!) years for most people to simply know that “less is better” but a lot of kids got harmed by it and still are. I hope we will learn faster with screen time. I care about all kids.