There is something so interesting happening in our society. At least within our social circle (and certainly in my male cousins’ and many of our extended families’ households), fathers are even more present and crucial in child-rearing roles than they were in the previous generation. I speak to my family and friends about the changing culture often: people from my parents’ generation tend to assume that I worry when leaving my children alone with my husband (!) and/or assume it is somehow a burden on him to do so. Really! I get comments constantly about leaving my children to go to the grocery store or coffee shop by myself. One gentleman who works in a coffee shop I frequent actually said, “And you left them alone?!!” when I told him my husband and kids were waiting in the car for me. Yes, I know it was a joke, but my response of “Oh, yeah. He’s much more patient than I am!” was met with a glazed look in the eyes.
These snap judgements are just crazytown to me. When I went away for a three-day trip a little over a week ago, there was not one thought in my mind to, say, leave a list of how-to’s in regard to childcare, or even to stock the refrigerator with food before I left. Because Andrew is a more-than-capable parent; equal-to, if not greater than I. We are parenting equals, and to say that I trust him would be to negate the fact that I admire and learn from him. He is a father. He is the other half of the equation. 
I know that I am lucky, but I am also critically aware of the change fathers in general have undergone in the past 20 years. In talking to my closest girlfriends who also have children, I know that I am not alone. Something has shifted, and it is such a beautiful change. Gone are the macho stereotypes of the father-as-sole-provider-but-emotionally-distant-male-role-model. A father is no longer a clueless, distant, financial and strict figure-head in the family. The father figure I have grown to know is strong in an even greater way: he is not hesitant to teach his children love and affection as well as discipline and integrity. He is capable and nurturing and fun and goofy and wonderful.
Have your views of fatherhood changed since you were a child? What is the greatest gift your partner brings to your family?
Heck yes to this. Is it possible to high five an entire post? Because I want to do that.
I am also fortunate in having an equal partner. Wade is an amazing father, and so much more patient than I am. I’m shocked when people say things like, “Oh, your husband’s babysitting them today?” Well, no. It’s not babysitting if it’s your own kids. That’s just called being a parent. Or the idea that if the kids are with their dad for the day, they must be running feral through the house while he sits on the couch watching football and drinking beer.
I love that the image of what a father is is starting to change, because children deserve to have both parents fully present. Taking care of your children is no longer considered “women’s work” and I couldn’t be happier about it.
I think you both do a fantastic job, you are so patient and nurturing to your boys. All of Gina’s boys have a very sweet Daddy style, even the 10 year-old, that I have to believe was a result of her wisdom and sense of fun. Bill often coaxes an attitude change out of ours and makes what I found to be difficult, simple. I hope all our little boys can continue the family tradition.
This weekend I attended a bridal shower and left the kids with MY dad, who often traveled for work when I was a child. Some of the older ladies raised their eyebrows and said “that’s nice” as though I had made an error in judgement. When I returned to them, Dad had taken them to 3 separate playgrounds all over town, snacked all day, and were cuddling together on the couch playing a game. Awesome.
Annie, that is so awesome! I think dads of all generations have this awesomeness in them. They just had to be given permission to be awesome, capable dads instead of completely incompetent a-holes like so many TV shows would have you believe they are. Your dad rocks! 🙂
Good observations! Though I still have friends whose husbands don’t know what time their babies eat breakfast or how many bottles they get per day and are left alone with detailed lists and agendas, I count myself in the lucky half that has a very involved husband! Though he does clock in more hours of work than I and is the majority provider for our family…he ALSO reads books, builds forts, plays tag, snuggles – etc. We both come into our partnership with totally different skill sets. And it really is an equal split of responsibility with the children. In fact, I’ve left town quite a few more times than he has and (with a few meals in the fridge) I have come home to a happy, cared for, well-fed family.
We still do get comments, though. “What? He’s taking them to the zoo alone?” When, in fact, he’s much better at public adventures with them than I.
So thankful to not live a few generations ago when the child rearing was left solely for the mom and the father was a silent partner. Providing, but not at all taking part. I don’t know if I would have survived…
The funny thing is, I have this idea of fatherhood from my own upbringing. My Mum was the main breadwinner in our family for a number of years and due to the nature of my Father’s job (carpenter) he made his own hours. So My Dad was the one who did the drop off, pick up, made lunches, cooked dinner and taught me to sew! Thank goodness for him because he has taught my partner how to be an emotionally present and capable father as well. I don’t often think about it, but I think I am very lucky.
I feel like this cultural shift is totally real, yet at the same time, I also feel like I personally live in a culture, (who’s behavior and necessities do somewhat resemble mainstream American) where men still make the money and women stay at home with the wee ones, simply out of necessity. Coming back to Finland where paid “parent/caretaker” leave is the norm and watching my friend’s hub who’s on more than six months of it interact with his kids made me so happy. Of course, most dads I know hang out with their kidlets all the time, taking equal turns with the moms, it’s just the money thing. It makes me happy though, to live in a time when dads get to have an equal part in raising their children. That’s how it should be.
i am so glad you brought this up!! My father was so involved in my life and i am thankful for that every day.
I completely agree. W is sick with a stomach bug today and James stayed home and I’m not sure how I could have dealt otherwise (I have before I guess but it sure makes it more bearable!). He does do some of the cliche ‘dad’ things, like forget diapers or water or snacks for an outing… but I think that just comes down to less practice. I also somtimes Forget to just be silly and have fun, so it’s a good balance. I’m so grateful to have a partner that I can totally trust and who is such a natural at fatherhood, and I certainly do think it’s more the norm these days. Lucky for us!
This is so true. I cannot stand it when people refer to Brian watching the kids as “babysitting.” It’s called being dad! Great reflections on a changing role.
I’m a little late to the game on this one … 😉
My husband is also very hands-on with our kids … But I expected that of him because that is how it was when I was growing up (my dad was very present and was as likely to be in the kitchen making dinner, or playing with us girls, as my mom was). Although I know there are things were my husband doesn’t feel as confident, he is an amazing dad.
Having both a son and a daughter, I think it is so important for them both to see that the husband and I can (and do!) do the same things … And we are not restricted to certain roles in the household.
YES! I didn’t grow up in a traditional home, but must say that if I didn’t know E was going to be an equal parent I wouldn’t have married him, honestly. I know part of it is a generational thing in a lot of ways, but I am baffled that E’s dad could probably count on one hand the number of diapers he’s changed between two children. He was very involved in their lives via scouts and doing other things with them, but it seems all of the housework and basic children upkeep kinda stuff fell to his mom. I do think things are different these days and I am happy they are. And oh man, if Iz would take a bottle I would miss her while I was away, but would gladly head out for coffee with friends without any worries of her being okay with her dad.
I’m glad you all have your Andrew who sounds absolutely incredible.