August 21, 2009 (exactly one week after Oliver was born)
First of all, thank you for the overwhelming response to yesterday’s post about breastfeeding in public and whether or not to cover up. I love all the powerful, amazing mamas I know (either in real life or through the internet world). It is a good reminder that the world is changing if ever so slowly in regard to this issue. And I certainly experience more positive feedback about breastfeeding in public than negative, but I wanted to share a story with you about a not-so-positive thing that happened when I was breastfeeding Oliver, only one week old, in a public place in Washington, DC.
A week after Oliver was born, I was itching to get out of the house. Those of you who know me well are aware that I have a really hard time staying at home for too long (or at least just staying inside). And with beautiful August weather and a healthy baby and mama, we saw no reason to stay cooped up. We decided to venture to The National Building Museum in downtown DC, where we lived at the time. Not yet two years old, Milo was a big fan of the children’s room, and I was a big fan of the fact that this room was enclosed so that our very active little boy couldn’t escape venture off too far.
We signed in at the little desk to enter the children’s area, and I sat on the floor with my back against the wall holding Oliver while Andrew engaged Milo in some fun activities with the building supplies and dress-up clothing they provided.
Then, of course, the little one got hungry. So I slipped a lightweight blanket over my shoulder, tucked Oliver inside, and began to nurse him. I sat unnoticed for about 10 minutes while families played around me and all was right with the world. Then the worker who had signed us in at the front desk, a middle-aged woman with a friendly smile and kind eyes walked over to me and asked, “Are you nursing?” She had to ask because there was no way of knowing. Not only was I completely covered up, but so was my newborn baby.
“Yes, I am,” I replied, half expecting her to ask to see the new baby.
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave the children’s area if you are nursing.”
Me: blank stare.
“There is no eating or drinking in the children’s room,” she said while pointing to a hand-written sentence on the wall which stated Food and Drink are Not Allowed in this Area. (So what, my BREASTS are not allowed in this area??!)
I think I smiled in disbelief and looked around like maybe the joke was on me. I mean, I was surrounded by young families, most of whom had no idea I even had smuggled this baby in here, and the ones who had noticed had given such kind smiles I couldn’t fathom I could be offending anyone.
I think I said in a joking way, “Well I promise I won’t spill anything if that’s the concern!” But she was no longer smiling.
“I’m sorry, it’s just our policy. I’m just following the rules. You can finish nursing your baby in the lobby by the front door.”
I was so shocked and stunned, I didn’t know what to say. All I could think was thank God Andrew is here because I would have to try to contain my two-year-old in a HUGE open space while I nurse my newborn and I cannot run after him and this just doesn’t feel right and oh man I am about to cry I am so humiliated.
Instead of putting up a fight, I tucked my tail between my legs, unlatched my baby (who immediately started to scream), gathered up my things and my family, and walked like a zombie out of the little room as families looked on in hushed tones. The families around me looked uneasy, and as I made eye contact with another mom, she shook her head like she couldn’t believe what was happening, but then she just looked away. No one defended me, but more importantly, I didn’t defend myself.
Out in the big open lobby, Andrew raced around after Milo while I sat, tears stinging in my eyes, and finished nursing Oliver, trying with all my might not to full-out cry out of humiliation and anger. The injustice of it all made me want to march back in to confront the woman who had thrown me out of a family space for feeding my baby, but for some reason I did not.
I put the incident out of my head until about a year later, after reading a story about a woman who staged a nurse-in (a whole bunch of mamas who show up in one place and just breastfeed their infants) after she was bullied into leaving after trying to breastfeed her baby in a public space. Anger welled up inside of me as I remembered.
What I wish I had done is simple. I wish I had firmly but kindly said, “No thank you. I am just fine right here.” That’s all. Not create a scene, not yell and get angry and challenge this woman. But to just remain, sitting quietly, covered up, feeding my newborn baby which was my right to do. I wish I had done this for myself, for my family, and for the families who watched. I should have been brave. And you can bet like Hell I will be if it ever happens again.
Why is there so much shame and anxiety about feeding children in this country? Is it because the only boobs acceptably displayed in public aren’t real or feeding anyone? Or is it because Americans have a warped relationship with food themselves?
I’m sorry this happened to you, or anyone else. I’ve seen it happen to others and I am proud to say I spoke up to defend the mother…nothing heroic…(she was nursing, covered, in an open air picnic pavilion and was directed to the “baby care center” by an employee).
My kids and I never got the hang of nursing which still fills me with guilt and regret to this day. I pumped for several months however and understand your plight to a small degree. My incident was standing up in an airport bathroom stall (the kind with the long lines) using the purse hook to hold the pump off the filthy floor, wearing my baby in a carrier and trying to pump both sides. The dirty looks for monopolizing the stall for so long were shocking. Next time, I just pumped at the gate.
Keep up the good work. You know I think you’re an incredible person and don’t feel bad about your incident, I wouldn’t have handled it half as well. Let me know if you need to burn some bras or something. xoxo
That’s crazy! Wow that makes me really mad and I’m such a chicken when it comes to confrontation that I doubt I’d have defended myself. I cant even imagine unlatching a 1week old though, it just feels so wrong.
I’ve gotten some annoying comments (even from family) especially as my baby gets older and I guess “too old” to nurse by some people’s standards, but overwhelmingly in public people have been accomodating and gracious. Many museums here have rooms just for nursing and I’ve also seen a lot of moms choose not to use those rooms and just plunk down on a museum bench without being disturbed. There are no rules that apply to breast feeding (or bottle feeding for that matter) an infant. We have a right to do it anytime anywhere!! So sorry that happened. I think James would have exploded- he’s less diplomatic than I am 🙂
It still surprises me that people have such an issue with this…my personal experience is that Americans think that breasts are no more than sexual objects. My own (younger, college-age) brother-in-law told me he was weirded out by nursing because “that’s just not what you think about when you think about boobs”. Glad to see that you, all these other strong women, and my own friends haven’t been deterred by the oddities of our culture!
That infuriates me, Lauren! So sorry that happened, Lauren, and I think that I also would have had the same reaction you did…happy you are writing about such important topics!!
Lauren, this made me burst out laughing at the ridiculous of the sign applying to you “There is no eating or drinking in the children’s room”. But then I just could NOT believe that she actually made you leave. Ugh, now I’m teary too – that is just horrible. And even sadder that it was a woman that did it to you. So glad you’re writing about it now and I’m sure you would be prepared for a sit-in if it ever happened again (I hope it never ever does!)
That story sounds like a punked episode. Crazy! I’ve obviously never had to deal with this as I have no kids, but I had no clue people cared this much. Insane. Thanks for sharing!
Okay, 1) How were you so motherloving gorgeous one week after having a baby? Seriously. You look amazing in those pictures.
2) This story infuriates me so very much. What a stupid rule! I get the no food and drinks rule. You don’t want stuff spilled on common areas, and people can leave messes. But breastfeeding?!! How does that even count?
I have never encountered anything quite that absurd, but I have gotten many dirty looks from people, and have had some women suggest in a fake-sweet voice that I should “take that to the bathroom.” The first time it happened, I didn’t know what to say. The next time it happened, I sweetly asked them if they would like to eat their lunch in the bathroom.
What is so offensive to people about breastfeeding? It’s using breasts in the most utilitarian way possible – to feed a baby. There is nothing sexy or provocative about it. People who are offended by breastfeeding and would be nervy enough to confront a nursing mom would probably not feel the need to confront a woman in a very low cut top. Why? I just don’t get the controversy in our culture over breasts. And even more confusing, nobody is ever offended by man nipple. Men can just go shirtless and nobody thinks twice. But you dare to feed a hungry newborn in a public area, which is your right, and people freak out.
Thinking about this incident still makes my blood boil a bit! You would have seen a different side of me had I been with you on this occasion!
The interesting thing is, this happened at the same time that a guard at another museum in DC told a woman that she couldn’t breastfeed in the museum and needed to nurse in the restroom. When the mother protested that there were no seats in the restroom, the guard suggested that she nurse on the toilet (I can’t even bring myself to comment on that one) . . . and that is why the nurse-in happened.
Of course, this was all crazy for so many reasons including the fact that “no breastfeeding” was not actually any kind of rule in this museum–it was simply a guard expressing their own personal opinion to this responsible mother breastfeeding her little one. I think in a lot of cases, these incidents are due to individuals who take matters into their own hands rather than institutions making any kind of idiotic rules. Very sad too since most museums indeed would love to have mothers and their little ones visiting!
I’m so sorry that you had to experience this and I hope that more institutions are proactive in ENCOURAGING families to visit and to nurse within their walls!!!
One more thing: women have a federally-protected right to breastfeed in public. So suck it! Literally 🙂