So… I am breastfeeding. And the funniest thing has happened.
You see, I am all for women feeding their babies the way nature intended, blah, blah, blah. I always covered up with a nursing cover when I was out in public or when we had guests (I thought, who really wants to see my lady parts at the dinner table, whipped out right at dinner table level, while they are trying to eat?) but when we are at home I’m practically topless. I mean, not really, but basically. But…
Emil is a whole different baby. Usually, he will not stand for being covered up. He pulls the cover off, or just won’t nurse and tries to sit up or squirm around in my arms, coming unlatched every two seconds until I give up and go take him into another room and lie down next to him somewhere quiet. As babies, Milo and Oliver seemed to take some sort of comfort in a lightweight blanket being draped over my shoulder as they nursed themselves to sleep and I would go on doing whatever it was I was doing; talking to friends over dinner, having a cup of coffee, sitting on a bench at the playground, even walking around with the kid in a carrier, nursing, and spotting my two-year-old as he navigated the high wall at the playground we frequented in Washington, DC. Easy peasy.
But Emil.
This baby is one distracted guy. He doesn’t nurse nearly as often or as much as my other two (which I assume is why he is not as gosh darn FAT as they were!), and on top of that, he does not like to be covered up, which means if he needs to breastfeed and we are out in public, it is difficult. So now, occasionally, I am that mom. The one at the playground with her boob completely out for the world to see. Sigh. I try to be discrete. I have no problem with women feeding their babes however they see fit, and get really annoyed when anyone is given a hard time for doing so. But for me, I just kind of like to blend in. I guess I am not a very good breastfeeding advocate spokeswoman person for saying this, but it makes me a little uncomfortable to make other people uncomfortable. There. I said it.
Does this make me anti-woman? Anti-feminist? NO! No, no, no. Just sayin,’ don’t judge. I thought I had this discrete breastfeeding thing down pat with two weaned babes on my hands, then the third comes along and throws me a curveball. It is funny, really.
So, breastfeeding mommies… what have your experiences with breastfeeding been like? Do you cover up in public? Let it all hang out? I had a really nasty public breastfeeding incident once which I wish I had handled differently… I’ll be sure to post that story soon! Until then, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Thank you! Wyatt has always been exactly the way you describe Emil and after watching my only friend with an older baby nurse discreetly under a cover at a table full of coworkers, I kind if felt like a failure that public nursing was such a production for us. I know I’m not a failure really because I sucesfully did (and do) nurse, but I wondered if it was me that made him flail and fuss whenever I tried to cover him.
I too ended up letting it all hang out. It was okay when he was very small since his head covered the boob for the most part, but as he got older and more distractible he would stop to look around leaving me totally exposed. I know I have a right to feed in public but I just felt shy (I don’t even like to show my stomach let alone my boobs).
We made do (lots of ducking into the car and frighteningly public bathroom stalls) and after about a year Wyatt started totally refusing to nurse in public. He’ll only do it in his darkened room without any distractions and if I never offered I doubt he would ever ask at this point.
So interesting to hear you say that your other kids were different though and it makes me think it’s just my guy’s personality and not my nursing skills that made it all a challenge.
Oh, this made me laugh! I definitely ALWAYS covered up because I am a very modest, shy woman. Thankfully, Faith didn’t mind. Though I do remember being at a wedding where I was nursing in the bathroom (it was as uncomfortable and awkward as you’d imagine), and a woman completely lifted the cover off of Faith, bent over about a foot from my boob and gushed over how precious Faith was! Though I was shocked at first, it made me realize that people probably don’t care as much as we think they do…
I can’t completely understand, but I think I would feel the same way – I wouldn’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable. However, I am also totally supportive of breastfeeding however it needs to be done and in this case, looks like Emil isn’t giving you a choice! I really want to hear this incident…
Julian was happy to be covered, and I was able to breastfeed anywhere and do it discreetly. I still got dirty looks from people (even in L.A.!! You would think people are so forward thinking there, but I guess not.) and many told me that I should take him to the bathroom to feed him.
Audrey would have none of the classy cover-ups, and wanted a full burlesque show each time she breastfed. Just boobies everywhere. I even learned how to manage to nurse her in public without a cover, but while keeping my shirt pretty much covering everything that her head wasn’t – but she would often just pull it up because she was an exhibitionist.
I agree with you. Breastfeeding is great and wonderful, and I’m so happy I did it – and seeing people breastfeed doesn’t bother me at all. But I really dislike making other people uncomfortable. I understand if people don’t want a load of my saggy mom boobs in their line of vision while I’m breastfeeding at a restaurant. I don’t particularly want to show them that either. But what really bothers me is when I have been discreet and someone still has a problem with it, because they have issues with breastfeeding and think it’s dirty or whatever. Then, I don’t care how uncomfortable they are. That’s when I think they can eff right off.
El’s never been a huge fan of covers, at least not since she was little. If she had it her way, I’d be topless all the time, because she likes to switch back and forth frequently. Luckily, she only wants the boob when there is nothing else interesting going on, so when we’re out and about, she rarely asks for it. I think it will be quite different when there are other kids, though, so we’ll see what the future holds!
That said, you’re far more considerate of others than I am. There are so many other things that are worth my worry, and their concerns with my body/parenting choices are the last thing I feel like I should have to take into consideration. Maybe I’m just not that nice! It’s also difficult being rather… um… large. It’s rather challenging to nurse discretely cover-less, because of the sheer size of them. Sigh.
I see nursing in public as a small gesture that exemplifies the change I want to see in the world. I want to live in a world where people aren’t made uncomfortable by seeing boobs and babies nursing, where it’s normal and supported and valued. I really do. So if my nursing makes someone uncomfortable, maybe they’ll ask themselves why? Or maybe they’ll scoff at it to the wrong person, and end up having their beliefs questioned? Or if a kid sees me nursing and asks their parent what that’s about, maybe it will force a conversation, and even normalize it? It takes a whole lot of people making small gestures to tilt the balance, so I for one am glad Emil has zero regard for your modesty! 😉
Btw… I love, love the pic.
Susan, that thought does often cross my mind- like, maybe I can help normalize it and see the change I want to see in the world, but more often I give in to feeling like crap when I get dirty looks. Dads at the playground are so sooooooo uncomfortable, they will cross completely to the other side of the area to escape me! And funny, I’ve actually gotten my fair share of dirty looks from other moms!!! Unbelievable, really. It does help just not to make eye contact with them. 🙂
By number three, I just didn’t care what others thought (most of the time). Baby had to eat, and I had to keep an eye on the other 2 kids. So if someone got to see some boob, oh well. I did avoid eye contact with strangers, baby and other kids were more important. Plus, I can claim ignorance on getting dirty looks. If I was in a more intimate social setting, where I thought others would be uncomfortable. I would try to excuse myself or keep the baby more covered up. On a positive note, I did have a lady come up to me at Sea World, and give me kudos for breastfeeding in public.
I find it absolutely crazy that anyone is offended by breastfeeding (discreet or not) in public. It’s mind boggling really. With Ben I was definitely discreet, and with Greta I found that I just didn’t care as much. Just smile EXTRA wide at that folks that shoot you nasty looks!!!
And I STILL tell people your public breastfeeding “incident”…that was insane.
I am on breastfed babe number four and STILL cannot descreetly feed a baby in public. I cannot do it! I have tried! I’ve breastfed all my babies for a year too, so experience counts for Not Much with regards to this. Once my babies reached about 4-5 months, they were too interested in everything around them to nurse in public places.
I almost hate to admit this but here’s what I do: I pump before we go out. Or I feed him in the car. I wish I had better advice, but that’s what I got. The pump is an all right tool by me, so I guess I should just feel good that it works for me?
Oh, and I deal with my fair share of resentment over this too. I agree whole heartfelt that we should 100% support breastfeeding and the major commitment that it is. Sometimes I feel like it’s a trade off: do I want to feel uncomfortable about making others uncomfortable, or do I want to feel resentful about hiding away to breastfeed like it’s some gross or shameful thing? Not a happy trade off, but I DO feel optimistic that the world is changing in favor of better support.
VERY new at this but I am much more shy nursing in front of family (excluding my husband) than in front of strangers. In public, I usually go to the car just because I’m not good at juggling everything yet, but I do my best to be discrete and that’s all anyone can ask. The last time I tried to use a cover at the playground I had to put the whole thing over my head and Netta’s so I could see what was going on and that was like a flag waving all the little children over to join us under the blanket.
I love that photo angle because I’ve so been there with my babes! I just weaned my youngest a couple months ago and I do miss that special time, though I am glad to have a break from it now.
I normally like to slip away to nurse just because I like the alone time with my baby. If I’m with family or close friends, though, and we’re hanging out, I’ll discretely nurse — I’ve mostly got that down. When my babies are older, though, they tend to get distracted so I need to go somewhere quiet.
Our babes must be living in parallel universes. Bear sees no reason why we should cover up. With Louie I was very discrete. With Bear I have got creative and a little less shy. I am beside you all the way. I try to ‘keep it clean’. Not always with success. I think sometimes the look of my ‘baby is starving, your choice is I feed him here & now or he screams down your Resturant/playground/shopping centre’, helps somewhat!
happiness…
dannelle@nestenterprises
I try to be discrete, as well… mostly for the sake of others comfort. But after almost 11 months of nursing I’ve come to realize that those nursing covers actually attract more attention than when I don’t cover up. Because, just like your Emil, my Jackson hates the covers and tugs and pulls and causes a real spectacle. And when I don’t use the cover my little guy gets easily distracted, unlatches, and leaves my nipple out for the world to see. Depending on my mood sometimes I feel embarrassed with my nipple out and other times I feel empowered (like to hell with with what everyone thinks)… I wish that I could embrace that empowered feeling and always feel that way when nursing in public whether I’m covered or exposed or whatever. Ugh. I never imagined there would be so much controversy and conflict over the simple act of feeding my baby.
Reading this post gave me a smile. As do many of your other posts and pictures. To give my two cents, I have to say with Alex I tried to be the most discreet breastfeeding mom out there. Even when I moved to CA, at home I would not care, but out and about I would. As each child is a different breastfeeding experience, I began to let down my guard about being discreet. Perhaps I will share the outspoken breastfeeding advocacy for both of us as breastfeeding is my life and career when I say, the more we ‘hide” from nursing the less normal we make it. Breastfeeding should be and should feel normal for every woman who decides to breastfeed her baby. The more woman that are able to breastfeed in public whether it is discreet or not, the more women we are able to influence and build their confidence.
As many of us are confident in breastfeeding there so many mothers that are not. One great way to be discreet to by layering a tank top with your nursing bra and placing a shirt on top. layers were my success to breastfeeding discreetly with some of the most distracted nursing infants/toddlers. Breastfeeding until 2 years allows for this. Many of the mothers that I work with love the layering of tank tops and it works out great! I have used it on airplanes, at work and at the park.
I will leave you with this story….When Marina was about 4 months old, the kids and I went to the park. As Marina was in her wrap and the other kids and I were playing, I saw another mother with her 2 month old and 5 year old. As we were all playing, the 2 month began to cry. The mother tried to calm her infant, but kept nervously looking around at all of the people in the park. As she looked for a place to sit down and calm her infant while watching her 5 year old, she appeared very stressed. As the infant cried louder and snuggled into her breast, she kept looking around to see who was looking and watching and becoming more and more nervous. Seeing what she was going through, I sat next to her on the bench and began to breastfeed Marina. She simply smiled at me and put her baby to breast and our other children played as we breastfed and watched our children. I wish her and I could have shared stories and talked about our babies, but as it turns out, we did not speak a common language. What we did share was that it was normal and ok to feed our babies and whether we were discreet or not did not matter.
You are amazing mother and providing something to your children that no one else can provide. While breastfeeding may not be the right choice for every mother, it is the right choice for every baby….again, this does not mean “show the girls,” but know that when you do breastfeed in public you never know who you have an influence on and give the confidence to know that they can do it too!
Much love!!
Bitsy, so great to hear from you! You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. If more of us thought this way, the world would definitely be a more breastfeeding-friendly place! Love to you as well, and I hope those three beautiful kids of yours are doing great!