*For the sake of keeping this post at a reasonable length, I have split it into two parts. I will post part II on Thursday, which is about our lovely nanny and everything she is to us! Please check back for the full story!*
I have been wanting to do this post for a few months now and never really knew how to approach it. It is a sensitive subject for me, even though I know it shouldn’t be, and I need more than anything to give credit where credit is due.
A year ago, when Emil was still the size of a lima bean growing within me, I prided myself on not asking for help. Not needing help. I mean, outside of Andrew. (He is without a doubt, the most hands-on dad I have ever known, fueled by an energy only children seem to match. And since he has taken this job as a professor, it has only gotten better. He has to teach and work on his research, but his hours are flexible and the expectations of this job are different from many others.)
I cooked. I cleaned. I did all the laundry and took care of my boys all day every day, aside for the mornings Milo went to preschool. I did all the shopping, grocery or other. I did most of the outdoor work, all the gardening and mulching and weeding and composting and planting (Andrew always mowed the lawn and raked or blew the leaves). I took care of doctor’s appointments and dry-cleaning and painted the entire interior of our house. I did a lot. And I loved it.
Then, March. Then, I got sick. Really, really sick. I couldn’t get out of bed or eat anything for weeks. I ended up hospitalized twice, and everything started to unravel. My weight plummeted to 107 lbs. I was 20 weeks pregnant. We needed help.
Andrew had to drop everything to cover childcare. He hired a nanny for the times he had to be at the university teaching, then he rushed home to do everything else so our lives would not come to a standstill while I was hospitalized. The stress and worry he must have felt overwhelms me now, just thinking about it.
When I returned home, I was weak and throwing up a lot. I had tremendous guilt about not being there for my husband and boys, but I just couldn’t. And finally, finally, I changed my mindset.
Why is it that so many of us moms feel like we have to do everything ourselves, or we are failing? Or weak? I know some mommies who are ashamed of the fact that they have help cleaning their houses, or someone to come take care of their landscaping or mowing. I spoke to one who is apologetic that she doesn’t cook dinners for her family as often as she would like. Oh, and she is a full-time lawyer, by the way. But even for those of us who are staying home with our kids, we are people. We are human. We simply cannot do it all.
Is your bathroom floor clean enough to eat off of? Mine is… For the next five minutes, anyway.
I guess making peace with needing help has been a process for me. At the beginning, I was only able to accept help when I was literally physically unable to do the things my family needed me to do. As I gained my strength and health and weight back, I talked to Andrew about not needing a nanny anymore. I thought things should go back to the way they were before I had fallen ill. I actually thought people would judge me for needing help. But maybe I was just judging myself.
But when it all came down to it, I did need help. I needed help so that I could be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend. To be happier and healthier for myself. I still struggle with feeling guilty for leaving Milo and Oliver with our nanny for 3 afternoons a week, sometimes just to take a nap with Emil or clean a bathroom or two without company…
Or go grocery shopping at a leisurely pace. Or just go get a cup of coffee with Emil asleep in the carseat. But I come back refreshed and positive. I feel on top of things. I genuinely miss my boys when I am not with them. And that is how I know it is the right thing for our family.
So, whew. Now the cat’s out of the bag.
So tell me, moms – working or staying at home – how do you make it work? Do you feel guilty about asking for help? What is the most difficult area of your life to ask for help? (For me it is a tie between asking someone else to watch my kids and having someone help tidy my house- we have only had help on that one time and I found it an amazing gift from our good friends) Working moms- how do you divide up housework and cooking in your home? I honestly don’t know how you do it! So, let’s hear it!
Do not try this at home…
Oh Lauren, I needed to read that! So much so that I’m teary! I think Greg thinks I’m one of the most stubborn people on earth because I refuse to let anyone else “help” me. And in turn, I run myself dry. So, thanks for the reassurance that it’s ok to ask for help. And good for you for using a nanny 3x’s a week!! And even more, for realizing that it makes you become a better mom, and not a weaker one! I hope to use that same advice as I struggle to find the balance! Hugs to your beautiful boys 🙂
I describe myself as a work-from-home-mom … I’m a teacher at a virtual school (some call them e-schools) so I have the amazing (and often stressful) opportunity to teach and mother from home during the day. So far, I’ve been able to keep my two-year-old around with me (sometimes family members help out by watching him for a couple hours during the week, here and there), but it is quite the balancing act! When my second child arrives in March, I’m not sure how my situation will (have to?) change … I’m certainly open to a part-time nanny or daycare situation, or asking for more help from family members. Although I love that my mother-in-law refers to me as “Superwoman,” I know (deep down) that it is, in many ways, just an illusion.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m still in the early stages of motherhood and I haven’t been good about asking or allowing help so far… and I’m exhausted with my one. I truly can’t imagine the work of two children or three plus all the other responsibilities in life. I’m sure having a bit if help is completely key to keeping your sanity!
Also it would be so frightening to be ill when pregnant with other small children. You and your family are so strong! And of course the cutest bathroom cleaning ever!
Thanks for sharing that, Lauren! Turns out I am pretty good at asking for help. 🙂 I have a sitter come one afternoon per week & Avery is in pre-school two mornings per week. I’ve realized that I need a certain amount of time to myself to relax and recharge (and my daughter is the same way: at her birthday party this weekend, she walked away and sat down by herself for a few minutes!), and having that time makes me a more patient, happier mom. We have a cleaning lady come twice a month, and even with that I feel like I am constantly straightening up, emptying or filling the dishwasher, and doing laundry. Being a stay-at-home mom means your job is never done; there is always something you could be doing and it’s right there in front of you. I think it is tremendously important to acknowledge that and know what your limits are. Good for you for getting some help!
I have trouble with this, too. I thinking working outside the home makes it hard because I have that guilt on top of it. I’m always trying to prove something to myself.
As a result I try and cram too much into the four days I’m home and leave us all tired and frustrated. Shawn is very hands on and does most of the cooking, although I have been trying to take that over. It’s a struggle, but finding balance can change everything. Good for you.
Lauren, congratulations to you for “spilling the beans.” I’m glad you have help. It’s one of the hardest things to do – and I struggle with it daily. This morning, even, as I asked our nanny to clean the windows while I took the little one to his 2-year (yes! he’s that old, my baby) checkup, I felt the twinge. And then I remembered: the windows will be done. If I hadn’t asked, they wouldn’t be done.
A mom I know who was years ahead of me was a PhD student at the time her daughter was an infant. While it was flexible for her, she realized pretty quickly that she needed that time away from her child to be the best mom she could be – then passed that advice along to me. I’m proud of you for coming to that realization – and hanging on to it once you were better.
xoxo
We divide up housework, and honestly my husband is very good at housework so he probably does more than I do in the end. He watches LO while I am working, and I schedule my own social outings when I know there will be someone home to care for LO. Then when we are both home, I tend to watch LO and he uses that time to do things around the house or have leisure time. We also have a lot of help, but from family. Do not for a second feel bad about needing help or for someone else spending time with your kids. In fact, it is immensely GOOD for them to develop relationships with other adults, developmentally. They learn how to get along with different kinds of people, and having a greater quantity of good relationships helps build their confidence. So there is zero bad in it.
I’m no mom, but we’re always bowled over Lauren, at how much you manage to do, and how much you manage to entertain with your three gorgeous boys and a busy, busy life. You’re a wonderwoman! I feel overwhelmed sometimes and it’s just Garriy and I! I’m so glad that you’re allowing yourself to have some help around the house. The most important things in life are happiness, healthiness, and some inner peace–here’s to whatever helps you feed those three: nannies, help with cleaning, coffee breaks, and all the rest!
Hey Lauren. I appreciate this post! You did a really great job with it. I can relate. I have struggled with this. Only very recently have I begun to have help and breathers, hiring a mother’s helper and babysitters now and then where I didn’t have one for the first few years. And I think you’re right — we’re really good about trying to “do it all” and then placing guilt on ourselves — it’s what mothers do best! — but with a little help, we are better, happier people. Thanks again for taking the time to write this post.
Hi Lauren:
I’m glad you’re getting help and happier because of it. Now, get rid of the guilt :0
A few truisms that are true:
1) Child-care is work.The most rewarding work around, but work nonetheless: Physically and emotionally straining. Isolating. (When I go to the office it sometimes feels like a vacation.)
2) Everyone needs help. It’s more than OK to ask. (Ask me: I’m always here if you need to talk!)
3) Your happiness if vital to your kids’ happiness.
4) Cleaning toilets sucks. So does folding laundry (thankfully I’m married to the best folder on the planet.)
5) If people judge you for getting help, these people are not your friends, so who cares what they think?)
6) I miss you.
xoxo,
n
Lauren, I’m a stay at home mom and would love a nanny a couple times a week if it were an option. However, we have lots of help, from grandparents on both sides, so it wouldn’t be very practical. But I think whatever little time we give to ourself does wonders for our sanity and our mother abilities too. We all need a break. I struggle constantly, trying to keep a decent, clean home and it’s almost laughable how short lived it lasts, when I do manage. I just try to remind myself that this time is brief and to enjoy the chaos because, I’ve been told, at some point we’ll miss it?
Anyway, happy to hear you are getting some help and some time for yourself. Keeps a mommy happy.
I love this post.
The guilt is so hard to manage. I haven’t had my hair cut since August because I don’t NEED to, and because I feel like scheduling something for myself is somehow selfish. However, the notion is crap. Sorry, it is. I don’t know why all mamas feel it so deeply.
Think about the first two hours of your day. Most likely, you do more than most full-time salaried employees. We need a break to get re-centered. For quiet. For our own enjoyment or reflection or passions.
Luckily, I have a part-time job that allows somewhat of a break. I engage with adults and am reminded that there is a very cool world out there that I want to be a part of. My sanity remains intact.
I still struggle with finding time for myself (really myself, not work) and feeling good about it. I think it’s different for every parent. In the end, I think whatever makes you most content is the right thing. And, I think you’re brave for taking the step. (And, admitting it to all of us).
Per usual, I think you’re awesome Lauren!
We don’t even have kids and we have hired cleaning help. I tell Brian it’s an investment in our marriage. We both work full-time, and spending my off time cleaning sounds terrible. I swear I’m a better wife and teacher because of my hired help.
I also think that you forgot to mention that you guys don’t live by your parents/siblings. I know how much my parents, brother and sister help each other out. Everything is always harder with family not being near.
🙂
Wow. Thank you so much, ladies! I am touched by your comments (and also relieved!). So glad to hear that so many of us are in the same boat and have many of the same feelings. You guys are awesome!
this is a well written post lauren and one you should be proud of. i am often asked how do i do it as a working mum. my answer has always been “i just do”. i am lucky enough though to have a very good job that is flexible with family commitments. i am able to drop my son at school everyday and my mother looks after penny while i work. the reason i work is to provide a better future for our children. whilst i could stay at home it would mean going without and by choice that is something i don’t want. peter and i both clean & tidy. he does the lawns, i do the cooking. i generally do bits & pieces everyday before & after work and that way it frees up the weekends to be with the kids & him. our weekdays are busy but it works well for us. i rarely need someone to mind the kids and if i do mum is more than happy. levi stays with his dad’s parents every second weekend, so peter and i are lucky that we do have time out from our children. the one thing i would love though is a house cleaner a couple of times a week or even to prepare a few meals. that would be lovely. xo
Great post Lauren! You truly are a super-mom…I am always in awe of you any time I am with you and your beautiful family. You deserve a “break”…even if that break still involves a baby, or cleaning/grocery shopping without little helpers! What did we ever DO with all of that free time before kids?!?! No shame in asking for help…a happy mom makes for a happy family.
We are so lucky to have willing family members in the area to help with the kiddos.
Lots of grandparents, aunts, and uncles just 20 minutes away. Shew!
Your photos are so cute! I don’t yet know how I’ll handle everything once we have kids (which is still a couple of years away) but I really appreciate your honesty and insight. Thanks for sharing!
PS. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog too. xo
With a 2 1/2 month old, this is certainly something very new to me, in terms of balancing being a mom and wife while managing to work and “do” everything around here. I’m really not very good at asking for help… not at all. And I’m noticing, as I’m back to work (lucky to work from home so still flexible) that I’m trying to do more and more every day. The first month with O was so blissful as we just soaked him in and literally let all else in our life fall away. I find, as I add more and more back into my life, that my focus gets very scattered. Thankfully, I’m feeling very aware of getting off course, and trying to refocus on what I know is the most important–this sweet little boy who is sleeping peacefully on my chest right now and our new beautiful family. I’m going to have to learn to ask for help more, I’m sure, in order to keep my focus on what is most important to me. Thanks Lauren for a great post!
Amanda, I totally know what you mean. Those first few months that is EXACTLY what you should be doing- soaking in your new baby and everything he is. And I think one of the hardest things about being a momma is focusing. The sleepless nights combined with always being interrupted in every task you attempt to complete can make focusing so very difficult. Don’t forget “you” time! Thanks for commenting!
Whew! Nothing to feel guilty about — I wondered how you handled 3 boys! It must be so much work. Your nanny sounds like a dream! I am so there with you about having a hard time accepting help. I look back on the first few weeks with my baby, and I can’t believe that I didn’t have anyone to help me aside from my husband! My mom offered to stay with me longer (she was around for a few days), but I just couldn’t relax with company… I felt like I needed to get back on my feet and get the house in order, and there was no time to rest. I was so completely overwhelmed. I didn’t realize that not only was it okay to relax, it was NECESSARY. I felt like I was going insane until I let go and stopped trying to control everything. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I’m still figuring it out. I’m glad there are inspiring moms like you around! 🙂
What a great post, Lauren! I am pretty positive I would do the same thing you did (try to do everything myself with no help) and feel bad to ask for/need help, but I know it’s silly and only making things harder on myself. I’m so glad you’ve found more of a balance – how important for you and the whole fam! I still think you’re just as incredible with a little help or lots of help!