All fall things are getting to me lately. This season makes me especially sentimental and prone to an upwelling of emotions while driving to get the boys from school. It’s something about the light, the cool October breeze, the memories that come back to me every year about my father — more a feeling and presence of him than any particular memory. It’s not sadness, but a richness, a fullness, a feeling hard to explain, somewhere between love and melancholy and everything you’ve ever felt, all hitting at the same time. I embrace the wrenching of my heart, the taking in of breath as it overcomes, seizes me; is he here? Next to me? Within me? Within them? His blood coursing through me, coursing through their strong growing boy bodies. Surely he is here, not too far.
There is nothing, not one thing, I would change about feeling this feeling, even though it often brings me to tears at the most unlikely times. It represents my father and his impact on my life, it represents who we were as a family before, before he had to leave this life. We are people completely and forever changed by him, and in this way he lives on. I see him in the colors, the long light in the afternoons, the bright blue of the sky, I see him, through his eyes, when I look at his photography. I see him in my children, especially Oliver, when he daydreams or is listening intently to something. There is that slightly frowning, far away eyes, figuring-it-out look that was part of my father’s face when he stepped back mid-stroke to behold a painting or photograph. That look, where everything else disappeared except his vision, is now part of Oliver.
All of fall belongs to him. My heart is full today.
I always love when you write about your dad. Really sweet words.
Beautiful words, Lauren. I can tell that your dad had a huge impact on your life. I am glad that it is more fullness than sadness you feel, and I admire your positivity. October is very sentimental to me and my family too, as that is when we lost my sister. Fall is so crisp and beautiful and yet for me it is also filled with those incredibly powerful feelings (and memories) of love and loss. May all of fall belong to him, and her.
Beautiful, Erika. And yes, fall is a hard time to lose someone, as you are just heading into the holidays and cherishing your time together. It can make things bittersweet. But also, a good reminder to treat those you love the way you should. Thanks for commenting!
I know just the kind of fullness you describe so beautifully here. And I love the idea of seeing your dad in your son–such a sweet reminder that those we love are still with us in so many ways.