Thank you for the outpouring of well-wishes here, on email, on the phone, and in person. Thank you, because even though I was not able to respond to everyone, I read each and every word and that gave me strength in some way. I am doing better, but it is a painstakingly slow process.
Looking back, I know there was no surefire sign that things were so bad inside of me- I went to the hospital when I had reached my limit and maybe I need to reassess that limit. But please, a word of advice, put away your tough guy act if you feel horrible and just get checked out. There’s no shame in being told there’s nothing wrong; on the converse, damage can happen if you wait too long.
I am still in the hospital, tottering between floods of emotions from how much I miss my husband and boys, and frustration at a rigid hospital system which I swear, at times, is making me sicker (or just crazy). But at the root of it all, when I shove aside the endless beeps and pokes, the wires and the dressing changes (having an open hole in your stomach is really strange), the uncomfortable bed and how uncomfortable I am in my own body… at the root of it all is connection.
People have come out of the woodwork to help. Dropping off meals, picking up kids, running errands, and rearranging schedules to help us keep our household running. It would be an impossible task without our friends.
Andrew stays by my side whenever humanly possible, literally running from the parking lot up the stairs and to my room on the fourth floor in-between classes and taking care of the boys. We have reconnected, laughed, cried, worried, and held each other over these past five days. He has washed my hair in the sink (twice) and bathed me from a sponge and washtub. He has advocated for me, throwing his hands up in the air and very slightly losing his temper with an asshole of a surgeon. He has held my hand through painful dressing changes and walked me up and down the halls countless times, trying to help me heal, looking out for me, being there for me. After all these years, he is the one I choose, he is my absolute soulmate.
And Ingrid- my other soulmate! She stays by my side like the most loyal of friends. When Andrew is not here, she is. Holding my hand, making me laugh, watching movies with me and talking me through the nausea and the really painful moments. She tells me to sleep, but I never can. Instead, I find myself forgetting where I am, why I am here. She sits next to me on my hospital bed as we talk about everything- every embarrassing little detail, like a couple of teenagers on a sleepover whispering in the dark. Even after she leaves, I feel a flood of gratitude and happiness that she is in my life.
And Gina, Andrew’s mom. She swept in and took over at home- taking care of the boys, doing laundry and dishes and everything that just wouldn’t be getting done right now. I know she’s tired, but she does it with a smile on her face and the energy of a twenty-year-old. She has brought Milo and Oliver in separately to visit, and made them feel special like only she can. On top of that, she has such medical knowledge, she can field any question and knows which ones to ask.
There are so many others who have thought of us and acted. I am full of gratitude beyond words. Thank you.
Right now we are in an ambiguous place. Complications make it difficult to know when I will be back at home with my boys where I belong. But for now, I hope for the best and dream of spring and all things new.
Oh Lauren, I can’t believe you are going through all of this. I’m so sorry, and being separated from the boys must be such a challenge for you all. But, what an amazing support system you have. Your words about Andrew made me tear up, and your friendship with Ingrid seems so special and rare to discover in adulthood… and of course anyone willing to swoop in and take over house chores deserves endless praise.
Thinking of you and hoping you get out if there and feel healthy in short order!
Thank you, Lilly. That means a lot. I’ll get there eventually!
I can’t imagine what you are going through but it is so amazing how to are able to find away to be so in the moment with your gratitude at such a delicate time for you physically. Your love for Andrew, your friends and of course your family is so apparent in the way you write. It’s really moving. Healing thoughts coming your way.
Gah! I wish we were there to help! The hospital is the worst place to be held hostage. I’m hoping for a speedy discharge and we all send our love! Please keep posting your updates and I can’t wait to check on you when we’re home.
Lauren, sending you massive massive hugs from across the ocean. Hope it helps knowing there are people elsewhere in the world thinking of you and sending you well wishes and hoping you get home to your boys as soon as possible. xxBirgitta
I’m so sorry to hear that you aren’t well. Hospitals often aren’t conducive to healing hey? I’d get so angry (to myself) when the nurse would wake Lulu when giving her iv medicine or when we’d have to keep her up past bedtime to wait for a procedure. Surely a 17month old needs sleep to heal? And the same goes for you. I do hope you are able to rest & are back home soon with your boys xx
Oh Lauren, I am so sorry to hear that it apparently takes longer until you can go home to your beautiful (inside and out) boys and husband. It is wonderful how you are supported by family and friends, and I hope that the healing will be fast and smooth from now on. Still, some process is better than none, of course…
Sending lots of healing thoughts and energy your way, I hope you get well soon!
Wishing you a speedy recovery! You are such a tough mama. Your support system seems so amazing and caring. Feel better!
Oh hon. This is so heartbreaking to read. I’m happy to that you have these amazing people in your life, but deeply sad that you must go through this, another trial by fire. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts.
You are an inspiration, seriously. You find that silver lining, and do it without seeming even the least bit disingenuous. I can’t imagine how hard this is- being away from your kids has to be so hard. Sending you prayers for healing.
Lauren, I am so sorry you’re stuck in the hospital & I hope they let you go home soon! I really admire how you’re able to focus on the positive in this extremely difficult situation. I’m so glad you have Andrew, Ingrid, Andrew’s mom, and everyone else who is in your support system to help you get through this. It sounds like you’re trying to keep a positive attitude and that’s so important. Take care of yourself! xoxo
Lauren, this brought tears to my eyes! As a post-surgical nurse I am wishing I could be there to care for you, and I will be the first to admit that the hospital environment is toxic–only there for getting through the worst of any illness. I always dream of alternative healing centers, with organic gardens/greenhouses that feed patients, lots of natural light, music/art therapies, a system that is built around the patient’s needs and not the (often asshole) docs/surgeons. My heart goes out to you! You are an amazing woman and all these trials just carve you out (literally!!) to fill you up with even more amazingness! Keep envisioning your wound filling with all your soul-loves. Blessings to Andrew, Ingrid, Gina and your little guys! I pray you are home soon.
yikes, it really sounds tough. wishing you much health!
i thought your comment on “toughing it out” was interesting and rang oh so true. most of us wouldn’t think twice about taking our children in for a look if we see them aching. yet it’s so much easier to brush off our own pain.
all the best to you, may you heal quickly!
Thank you, everyone, you just make my day so much brighter. Trina, your words brought tears to my eyes!
Dear Lauren,
I dropped some things by your house yesterday thinking you were home and that they might make you smile. Now, I read this post and my insides have turned to jelly. I didn’t realize you weren’t there, instead still away recovering. Please don’t get to feeling too scared or lonesome. I promise you that the whole of waterman is making a lasso of care and comfort around your house and also sending it to your hospital bed. I can’t wait to see your shining self back on the sidewalks and swings. We are thinking of you so hard and sending love.
Sam
Oh Lauren, I’m so sorry. I say this through the haze of my own post-op drugs, but I’m lucky enough to be doing this healing at home, in my own bed. I wish, wish, wish that for you, and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. You are correct, there is no sleeping in a hospital. I can’t wait to hear that you are curled up between your own covers, resting in your own version of peace and quiet, little boys voices muffled on the other side of the door. Hang in there, it’s got to be soon.
I read your post just a few minutes after talking with my husband about the logistics of washing my hair. My surgery was on both feet, so I have to be carried, and no tub or shower, so it might be a Rubbermaid tub at the edge of the bed. As weird as it seems, I love the idea that we find ways to care for the ones that we love in ways we will laugh about down the road, even when it’s not too funny now.
Please know that you have another friend out there, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of you. You can do this.
Sam, I assure you that the food you brought over was enjoyed by the boys and my mother-in-law, but more than anything, Andrew and I were so touched that you took time to care for us. Thank you doesn’t say it!
And Kristin- surgery on both feet???? I don’t know how you are doing it, that sounds so miserable. I hope that you too recovery quickly!
Thinking of you during this trying time. I am so glad to hear you have such a strong and continuous support system around you…it really shows what an incredible woman you truly are. Now you just need to bust out of there. Hopefully soon. I’ll be thinking of you and sending all the wonderful healing thoughts your way.
Lauren,
You are loved from near and far. May this love and thoughts of Spring’s renewal help carry you through this hard time.
Please call or email me anytime. I am one of those who is far yet near.
Love,
Nora
Dear Lauren,
Wishing you a full and speedy recovery. It’s hard to be sick – especially in a hospital of all places. Hope you are back at home soon, in the bosom of your family!
Best wishes sent your way.
Oh dear, this sounds so terribly difficult. It sounds like you’ve got am amazing support system, that while you’re missing your little boys you can have the peace in knowing that they are in good hands.
I have never gone through something quite this difficult- I do know the hospital and how it can press down on you, make you feel helpless and out of control, and sad. But you can be in control of some things, and hold onto that.
Sending you strength and peace, and healing thoughts. When this is all over you will be so much stronger and wiser.
What an exceptionally trying time, but hopefully you continue to feel so much love from family and friends. Rest when you can’t sleep and try not to worry- (which is so much easier said than done in the hospital.) Let all these people around you, serve you. Even mothers need mothering.
Lauren, thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy and healing vibes your way. This has to be super tough in so many ways but you WILL get through it! And by the way, your love and appreciation for your family and friends is so evident; it truly is the people in our lives who “make our world,” isn’t it?
Lauren!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to be in the hospital for so long. I don’t blog much anymore… because I’m in nursing school! I certainly hope and pray that good nurses are caring for you. That can make all the difference. And I’m so grateful that you have such amazing friends, family, and HUSBAND! to care for you.
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers!
becca
Lauren, even in the midst of what you are going through, your words are so eloquent and beautiful! Especially the part about Andrew, Ingrid and Gina! Praying and thinking of you….hoping your body heals quickly!! Big hug, Ale!
Sending you lots of positive vibes for a speedy and full recovery, Lauren!
How are you today? Thinking of you. Today seemed to be turning point for me. Not out of the woods yet, but more optimistic. Hoping the same for you. I hope you are home, or closer to it.
Lauren, we have been thinking of you, the boys, and Andrew so much. Sending all of our love and healing thoughts.
Guess what Lauren? I had knee surgery, so as you recover and heal (hopefully very quickly!), know I understand the ache of pain killers that make your body feel other world-ly, not being able to walk around in your own home with freedom, and being apart of those that you love to the depth of your bones. Thank you for sharing this process, and how much love surrounds you and your family.
I continue to send healing prayers.
Oh my gosh, Lauren! I hope you’re feeling well again and back to your old self! Thinking about you!