Just the a couple of days ago, on day six of Andrew out of town, I headed to the Science Center to meet up with my wonderful New Zealander friend Kim and her adorable little boy, Hugo. We spent the whole morning laughing, learning, and generally being curious with our boys. It was a blast and also took a lot of energy to watch after everyone. After enjoying a snack outside, we headed back in for our last stop of the day: the building area. In order to get there, we had to head through a long tunnel that was devoted to outer space. The acoustics in this tunnel are, understandably, amazing and loads of fun for kids. Of course, my boys raced ahead, knowing the way to the building area. My friend and I walked quickly behind them and watched as Oliver weaved in and out of small groups of people in order to follow his older brother and friend. And then, of course, he squealed loudly with glee just as he was passing two elderly women. One of them jumped in surprise, then got really pissed.
She shook her head disapprovingly, and said something to the woman next to her. My friend and I passed them to catch up with the boys. I had Emil strapped to my back and pushed a small umbrella stroller. I smiled and said, “Sorry about that noisy one!” as I passed the two women. One of them snorted under her breath. Ahead of them, I gently pulled Oliver aside, crouched down, and told him in a calm voice, “Oliver, I know you’re excited, but you can’t run and scream inside the Science Center with so many people around you. It hurts their ears!” He said, “Okay Mama” before dashing off again, albeit quietly this time.
Later, at the building area, we watched our boys play and discover, and the two women caught up to us and walked past us. One of them made quite an effort to make eye contact with me as they passed, narrowed her eyes, and said to her friend, rather loudly, “Well, she’s clearly FAILING at being a mother.”
Whoa.
I immediately tried to brush it off for what it was: a grouchy person who had been startled by my four-year-old rushing past her in a whirlwind of loud four-year-old energy who made a snap judgement about me as a mother after observing me for all of 3 seconds. I joked to my friend, “She has me down! After that one interaction, I’m afraid she sees me clearly.” We laughed knowingly and headed home shortly after.
But the comment really bothered me.
Most of the time, when I am out and about with my boys, I get such kind comments from people. They say the nicest things about how well-behaved my kids are, or how great I’m doing directing so many kids on my own. They say things like, “You go, mama!” and “She’s got that down!” But all it took was one negative, nasty comment for me to feel the adrenaline pumping through my body. I felt eyes on me and had a huge inner dialogue going for hours afterwards. I told myself that it was just a nasty, grumpy comment. It was not accurate, and I should just let it roll off my back. But you know, it’s hard to do that. It makes me wonder, why are people so stinkin’ hard on moms?
Parenting styles differ as widely as different species of animals on this planet. Take into consideration generational gaps, and you have even more diversity. I try to understand this, to put myself in someone else’s shoes (hence the apology as I passed). I try so hard not to pass quick judgement on others’ parenting styles that may differ from my own when we are in public. It is easier for me to be sympathetic since I am in the thick of it with little ones myself. I know so many of us are just doing our best to get by. We are doing the best we can. We are doing what we think is right.
There are a few things I hold strong when I am in public with my boys. They are my cardinal rules, and for my kids, I do not waver on these points:
1. Respect others’ personal space
2. Stay where I can see you, unless I have given you permission otherwise
3. Use kind words
4. Wait your turn
Other than these rules, I try to give my boys a lot of freedom to explore, play, and discover. I want them to self-monitor their behavior in their space as much as possible. I believe that giving them space to explore and interact with people on their own terms helps them learn how to be good, capable people in this world. After all, they will be adults someday. But if they are infringing on others’ rights, I intervene. If they are doing something dangerous to themselves or others, I intervene.
Running, playing, squealing with joy, or being just generally active and excited does not elicit discipline from me. I tend to think that kids are naturally like this, and to squash their tendency to be this way is not so good for them. I want them to self-regulate as much as possible, to form their own inner dialogues and their own opinions about the world. I don’t want to guide and dictate to them every minute of the day. I also do not want them to behave like robots because they are afraid of me, or afraid of being spanked if they disobey. It’s not how I’ve chosen to parent.
I am not completely sure what the woman in the Science Center expected me to do when my four-year-old little boy was loud and boisterous (and probably really annoying) when he passed her. Perhaps she expected me to put him in time out? Spank him? Leave immediately? Duct tape his mouth shut?
I did what I do consistently: get down on his level, talk to him like he is a person with a brain and the ability to accept my feedback and make changes to his own behavior according to his age and level of ability, and release him to the wild again.
To make such a hurtful statement to a complete stranger about her entire ability as a mother, to say that someone is failing at being a mother is just such an extremely horrible (and horribly extreme) thing to say. And yet… she felt compelled to let me know that she, the random stranger, disapproved of me as a parent. There’s something about mothers in particular, that we, as a society, feel comfortable, if not compelled, to judge. Maybe it comes from an old urge to raise our children as a whole, as a village. When people used to step in and help or discipline because they all knew each other and knew what it took to raise a child right. I feel these urges all the time, but display them differently, view them differently.
At the zoo the other day, a mother with four young children (the youngest two only 17 months and 2 months old) was struggling getting her toddler to sit still during a live zoo show while she tended to her infant. I was sitting next to her and my boys were listening attentively (for once). When she got up to take her crying baby out, her toddler got up from her front-row seat and started heading toward the stage (only steps away and easy to climb up onto). I gently scooped her up and put her back onto her seat, whispering, “Stay here, sweetheart!” Her mama was back in seconds and was none the wiser. Instead of judging her as a mother, I empathized with her. I know how hard it is. They are kids. We are human.
In the age of hyper-critiques on motherhood, I want to stand by my fellow mamas in solidarity. I want to say YES! I get it. I am here with you, not against you. And when my kids are older, I hope I can remember how it is to wrangle three (or more) little ones by oneself in public. I hope not to roll my eyes when a young one runs by me, screaming with joy (or crying in despair). Instead, I hope to smile, laugh at my ability to be startled, and remember fondly the joy of being four.
It goes without saying that that woman was just cranky and her comment had no merit. You’re an undeniably fantastic mom. Some people are just miserable.
There is a lot of judgement though. Sometimes I am even guilty of it, particularly when parents let their kids be bullies at the park. I really struggle with how much freedom to give W. I often let him do things on his own that make other mothers squirm, and then I’m protective in ways that I can tell makes other mom’s think I’m smothering. We should all support one another, accept that there are so many different ways to parent and no one is right or wrong.
It definately stings when anyone says something nasty… but this one is so off base that you truly should try not to let it get to you. Her issues!
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that those ladies were from an era when child-rearing was done with the mini-adult, seen-not-heard-way.
I feel it’s particularly odd to judge someone’s kids doing ANYTHING kid-like, annoying or otherwise, in a place that’s an obvious draw to families with kids of all ages! If you go to the zoo, the science center, the natural history museum, the beach, there’s gonna be kids there, behaving like kids.
It’s kinda the same when people bitch about kids crying in airplanes, city buses, grocery stores, what exactly do they propose the parents do? Just not go places ever?
At the same time, I’ve totally found myself sometimes being annoyed at parents for bringing their kids to environments where their natural behavior is disruptive to others and then not trying in the slightest to mitigate the impact. Working in a restaurant one sees this all the time. Kids roaming into the open kitchen, making a huge mess at the table and their parents not even attempting to tidy up after them, running up to other people and bothering them while they eat while the parents seem relieved to get a brake for a bite to eat themselves (which I don’t want to begrudge them of, but…), parents changing their kids at the tables etc…and the only thing I wonder is, whether they realize that that’s how they’re teaching their kids to behave, to treat other people like servants, to be demanding and impolite.
What you’re teaching your kids is being considerate, polite, open. Whatever kinks might come along the way, the end result is gonna be that your three boys will be dear, sweet individuals with a good set of skills to take to the world.
Thanks for writing this piece, it’s a really good reminder to examine one’s own responses to kidlets and their parents in “my” public space.
I have had situations like that happen to me too, with cranky people. And I realize it’s incredibly immature to say something like this, but that stuff puts images in my head of picking up that person, helicopter spinning them around, and throwing them across the room like I’m the Hulk or something. It just makes me so angry.
You are such a good mom. I feel sorry for kids who act like tiny adults and are frightened to act like children because their parents scold them. Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom, and to be around someone all day who treats them with respect while still knowing that they are children and children are kind of crazy people.
I think sometimes, the people who say hurtful and judgmental things are so far removed from what it’s like to have a child. The rude comments I’ve experienced are typically from much older women, and I think they have just been so far out of the little kid world for so long that they like things a very certain way, and have forgotten how much work it is to be a parent, and how free spirited kids naturally are.
High five, friend. You are doing a good job.
I really believe that this woman was simply expressing her own dissatisfaction and embittered attitude toward life. It can be difficult to hear things like this, especially for those who, like you, are very caring and considerate. She probably hurls her hurts at people all the time and you, unfortunately, just happened to be in her line of fire that day.
I used to get those same comments when I would take my classroom out into the community. I would get so mad, and, more times than not, would say something to the person. I’m sure they thought I was nuts, but it always made me feel better. Keep up the good work and ignore those mean people!
Oh, this makes my blood boil. I have so much to say I don’t know where to start. One of the things that makes me most furious about situations like this is that even when you know the person is crazy, you second guess yourself. I’m trying to work on not doing that.
Having kids is hard. And wonderful.
Dare I go out on a limb and wonder if this woman ever had children herself?
I think kids so often become victims of the ‘pariah’ label in modern society. They are loud, uncivilized, funny, odd, works-in-progress. I see it so often when I go out with my boys. They need to learn how to exist in the world not be quarantined from it in “child-friendly” places like playgrounds, family only eateries, et all. How quickly people forget that they grow up to be bigger people and they are part of the world community. When they say it takes a village they mean EVERYONE – strangers, the childless, the young, the old, etc. To reject you and Oliver for whatever reason is to reject her community at large.
That said, it would’ve bothered me too – for hours; a downfall of being self-aware, kind and sensitive. All traits I try endlessly to teach my kids to value in themselves but perhaps we don’t value enough in ourselves. So, if you’re failing, god help the rest of us…
It’s true… the more days that pass, the easier it is to dismiss the incident as just one of those things, and not to take it personally. Thanks for all of your kind words!
And Milla, I also get annoyed when parents let their kids act crazy in inappropriate environments. Seriously, what are they teaching their children? Whenever we go out to eat and the kids make a mess under the table, Andrew and I make a point of cleaning up and involving them while doing it. I often send Milo to ask for a dustpan and broom. I have been known to insist on allowing me to clean up the mess, and honestly, the servers or baristas look relieved when I do. I want my kids to see this, to take responsibility for their messes, and to CARE about how their behavior affects others. If they are acting up in a restaurant, we pay the bill and leave immediately. There are certain places that that kind of behavior doesn’t stand.
A science center wrought with children’s exhibits, encouraging them to touch and speak and explore, is the type of place that you might find children. And those children might get excited!!!
And Maggie, yes, the thought crossed my mind that maybe she never had any children of her own, a fair choice. It’s so hard to understand what it’s like to parent little ones (especially very energetic ones) if you’ve just never done it! And what a thought-provoking comment: “To reject…is to reject her community at large.” Thank you for that!
Lauren,
Next time think faster. Use your feet. Trip the b*tch. Then tell her she “failed at walking.”
With Love,
Your Redneck Brother
oh my goodness! that would have upset me too!
I get tons of looks regarding my kids. With one kiddo on the spectrum and both quite hyper they are always into mischief. Its continually humbling to me to get those looks and yet know that I’m the best mom for my hyper-silly-loud kids.
You were at a science museum for Pete’s sake! A place for children!
As much as we know people like this are wrong and grumpy in their own lives, it can still hurt and sting. I’m so sorry.
I’ve found a way to block out others around me when we are out and focus on my daughter. She’s loud, opinionated and rambunctious. I’ve had to learn to give her my undivided attention and not worry about what others around me are thinking. We can be polite without letting those around us affect our parenting. You do a wonderful job with your three boys.
A little article I read recently that you might like 🙂
http://sierramadres.blogspot.com/2013/05/sorry-my-little-boys-act-like-little.html?spref=fb
Hey! I just found your blog when checking my blog stats. A few readers had come from your site so I wanted to come over and check your space out. I got to read this post and OH MAN I totally get it! I wrote my post in a fury of emotions and transparency and didn’t cover my bases (like explaining that I do correct my children and that I do not allow them to run amok screaming and kicking old people in the shins, etc.) and out of my sharing my honesty and struggle, I got some the meanest comments I have ever received. So the judgement just got piled on even more. I am new to blogging, so it was hard to hear so many people’s opinions. But it has been really cool to hear from moms saying that they needed to hear that we need to let our children act like children! Thanks for sharing your experience, and for showing other mamas that they aren’t alone in this. I love that you mentioned that there are as many parenting styles as there are species of animals. So true. So glad I found your blog. Your house is BEAUTIFUL! Can’t wait to read more posts… but for now I am off to the pool with four kiddos… let the daily adventure begin!
Blessings to you mama,
Sierra
Sierra, thanks for stopping by! I read your post and it was dead on! I have been there, and feel the same way. Thank you for your nice comment! I look forward to checking out more of your blog!
This really happened?!? Are you kidding me?!? This woman is clearly nutso. I am sure you weren’t laughing at the time (nor would I have been), but I always just have to shake my head and chuckle at the hilarity of people. That and give a gigantic eye roll. Seriously, what is wrong with people? You do a highly admirable job with your boys, and you don’t deserve to hear comments like this.
It’s amazing how much one nasty comment can ruin the whole day. I have to say being a mother and raising children has brought me to a whole new level of empathy for other parents and that makes me grateful. I’d much rather be empathetic than judgmental.
Liz, I know! It’s pretty silly, when I think about it. And to be fair, I generally get so much positive feedback, so I don’t mean to focus on only the negative… only that it was so extreme, I had to share. And you know, we are out of the house and in public places so often, every day, really, that some negative feedback is bound to happen!
JON!!!! Ha, ha! I think you put into words exactly the mean side of what I was thinking!
Jon is my new hero. Epic.
“I am here with you, not against you.”
One of your best posts to date. The amount if pressure we put on ourselves as mothers is already overwhelming. We need not judge one another, but help one another. The choices we make in child rearing are personal ones and I strive to accept and support those that are different from mine, because I know we are all doing what we think is right.
You’re absolutely great. And you’re one of my Mama Role Models, so don’t trip. Xoxo.
Okay, that woman is clearly INSANE. Her unconsciousness is at an all-time high. I bet her kids don’t want to have anything to do with her. Meanie!!
Anyway! I dropped in and tried to catch up. I see your fairing okay with Andrew being gone but I can only imagine how trying it is! You’re doing an awesome job.
Happy Birthday, Oliver – you tarantula, you!
xo
c.
My guess is that she never had children. What a shame for anyone who cannot smile at a child having a truly wonderful time. She is missing out!
What a crank! You’re obviously raising healthy, kind, and energetic boys, and I call that a success. I actively try not to judge other mothers, but it can be very easy to think, “well, that’s not the way it should be done.” I try to push away those thoughts since I, too, have been on the receiving end of them.
The old crank probably doesn’t have children. For some reason there are people who are miserable, and, to quote Russell, “miserable people want miserable company.” It is her loss, and sad that she can’t enjoy the pure joy of a child’s enthusiasm. You did nothing wrong, and neither did Oliver.