Emil at 4 Weeks

Who’s keeping Mommy awake? I am!

I am tired. Eye-aching tired. The kind of tired that makes you feel like you are buzzing on the inside, and it is actually harder to fall asleep for some insane reason.

I am tired because we have a newborn (is he still considered a newborn at nearly one month?), and, quite predictably, a fussy one who won’t let me put him down for more than oh, a minute or two without screaming blooooooooooody murder. It’s cool, though. I think at this point Andrew and I would be worried if one of our babies didn’t cry like a maniac banshee when strapped in the car seat or placed in a nice, comfortable plush baby swing. No joke. This one actually foams at the mouth he gets so worked up in a frenzy- after a 5-minute car ride. Oh, the injustice!

So yeah, tired.

Which is why I can’t seem to figure out why I spent a solid hour staring at Emil’s face last night while he slept peacefully. An hour that I should have been sleeping too… but I simply couldn’t stop looking. And bewilderment came over me, bringing me almost to tears, as I tried to figure out how there is suddenly this person here where there wasn’t before. How he is made up of pieces of me, pieces of Andrew, but he is his own. I don’t care what you believe or don’t believe, that shit is crazy.

Crazy like this karate kid crane action.

And so, yes, even though I am tired, I have clearly done the obligatory falling in love with our newest child, who was not here like a minute ago and is suddenly very here. So excuse me while I go stare at his littleness a little longer. I have some pondering to do.